Monthly Archives: June 2015

President Obama Guarantees Muslim Americans Institutionalized Access to the White House Bathroom


Dear Friend,
Earlier this week, the United Muslim Council on Institutionalized Access to Inanimate Objects (UMCIAIO) had the opportunity to meet with President Obama at the annual White House Iftar.  It was such an honor to have been invited to this wonderful event with one of the world’s leading war criminals!

In the President’s remarks, he reflected on Muslims’ contributions to the United States and the Global Community.  In this, he mentioned how grateful he was for our acceptance of the CVE paradigm that criminalizes our community; he said that he was inspired by how many leaders would throw their communities under the bus just to be sitting with him tonight.  He also thanked the Association of Muslim Lone Wolves (AMLW) for not pushing the narrative that Muslims acts of violence are discreet and disconnected from the larger group, too aggressively, so that his administration could get away with promoting a global Muslim conspiracy that aims to foster the inherent radical tendencies in the 1.2 billion population.

I personally thanked the President for coming out strong against the murders of three North Carolina students.  I told him our community was indebted to him for acknowledging our right to exist and live until the age of at least 20.  I also thanked him for implementing policies that don’t target Muslims individually, but that target them at large.  This I told him, sends the right message to society, that they should aim big and work to commit as many hate crimes as it takes for the whole community to be terrified.  After all, if that isn’t the collective power of public policy and hate crimes, then I don’t know what is!

Most importantly, me and my team had the distinguished honor of gaining access not only to the White House tables (which incidentally, happened to be those crappy kind from Costco), but also to the White House bathrooms.  Do you know how happy I felt as soon as my butt touched that marble seat?  No immediate words came to my mind, but the sounds that flooded the room (if you know what I mean), gave me an idea of just how excited I really was.  I should note how much of a special honor it was to see that the White House had generously placed a bidet in the toilet and even better, it was shaped to formulate the word Muslim.  I know you’re thinking that it probably took way more time for the water to come out this way, but it was totally worth it!  I mean seeing the word Muslim in the White House?  Now that’s priceless.  I would be remiss if I didn’t include a picture below.  The first one is the outside of the toilet (how beautiful) and the second is the toilet from the inside:

Toilet-gold-plated            Screen Shot 2015-06-25 at 11.46.59 AM

As if the exquisite dinner and bathroom wasn’t enough, we also received party favors including toy drones (to remind us that we could be next) and mini toilets (to remind us of how not to be next).   We also received a frame with the picture below:

Drone Biggest

Monday, June 22nd was another major win for the Muslim American community.  We have finally achieved what no other minority group in this country has sought to achieve:  Institutionalized access to the White House bathroom.  I know this will carry us far in our quest for equal access to these private spaces, where our shit meets the shit of the administration. This is a powerful union and one made out of the hard work of courageous Muslim leaders who have taught the community that the best way to lead is to not lead and the best way to succeed is to treat your constituency like a herd of cattle (btw, we had beef brisket for dinner).

Thank you for your membership in the UMCIAIO.

Dabir Dhakir Duqaq Ferraj Farooq Jabalah Jabbar

P.S. Like you, I was also bummed because of the absence of the Israeli ambassador:(.  But don’t worry, the Israeli embassy kindly sent over gift boxes with “their” falafel in it and a map of settlements in the works.  Additionally, they offered a 25% discount offer on settlement properties to MLI participants who fully embrace the Zionist cause.

P.P.S.  There were no protestors this year because those Muslim traitors who organized the one last year, finally recognized our fine achievements in the realm of Muslim American rights, by which I mean writing reports that no one will ever read because they a) suck; b) are irrelevant and untimely; and c) because they are the worst pieces of research this side of the Atlantic.