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Muslim Community in Disbelief Over Completely Believable Scandal

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For Immediate Release

Anchorage, AK, September 21st, 2017.  The Muslim Council for the Protection of the Patriarchy (MCPP) is outraged by recent accusations that its president, Akhlaaq Akhlaas Arhab Bahjat Bahlawan Dhul Fiqar Dhulfaqaar, was involved in a cross border trafficking operation that resulted in the death of five Muslim women.  Despite the presence of emails linking him to the trafficker, pictures of the handoff between the trafficker and Dhulfaqaar, the presence of 150 witnesses, an autospy confirming the murders, three kidnapped children discovered in his attic, five unrelated young women in his basement, testimony from the victims’ families, and thirteen restraining orders, it has not been proven beyond an unreasonable doubt that these crimes are linked to him.

Several community advocates and activists who claim the allegations against Dhulfaqaar are false, insisted they hear testimony from the victims, going so far as to arrange a trip to the morgue to interrogate those murdered in order to question them about their silence.  One community activist, Jaafar Sadequee Mohammed Mahmoud Saad Al Din Abudeen Abu Quraysh Zubaydah said, “I can’t believe they are taking this laying down.  After all the damage they’ve done, they have the audacity  to just hang out stone cold and silent.  What will it take for them to speak up publicly?  Dead or alive, I won’t believe these accusations until I hear it from their mouths.”

Dhulfaqaar is taking a leave of absence to calm down the chatter and work on writing his version of what happened which largely involves outing his fellow abusers and victim blaming.  In his preliminary statement, Dhulfaqaar stated that, “These accusations against me are flat out baseless.  So what if they have receipts, text messages, photographs, co-signed lease agreements, hand delivered threats, and dead fish on their doorsteps signed ‘this is a warning from Dhulfaqaar’? If O.J. Simpson can get off scott free because the glove used to commit murder was one size too small, than there is cause to assume I’m innocent too.  Furthermore, I have plead with the victims to come forward and their silence has been deafening (its amazing how quiet it is in the morgue!).  I know the truth will eventually emerge that vindicates me or that at least allows me to assume an unrecognizable life in the Vatican, where I hear a lack of accountability for religious leaders is dogma.”

Commenting on the accusations against Dhulfaqaar, Vice-president of the MCPP Faariq  Farooq Hajjir Hajjaj Huthayfa Inayatullah stated that, “It is so heartbreaking to hear about these vicious allegations against our president has been.  After all these years, he has done everything possible to gain power, while at the same time obscuring his crimes, while also finding the time to seek refuge in the teachings of Islam.  He has taught Muslims that no one is beyond sinning, but that if you, like him, gain enough power, it won’t really matter anyway.  After all, who’s going to believe a silly woman/500 silly women?  If there’s anything I know about my community, its that they will uphold patriarchy to their death and for this I am proud.”

Despite these ridiculous accusations, the MCPP is moving forward with the release of our report titled, “The Art of Gaslighting:  Silencing the Rise of Neo-Feminism and Muslim Women’s Audacity to Speak Up”.  You can download the report at http://www.patriarchyandchickensoupforthesoul.com.

For more context, our definition of neo-feminism is as follows:
“Neo-feminism is a term meant to articulate the inexplicable empowerment of women stemming from the (false) belief that they are equal to men resulting in consequences such as the belief that their a) testimony matters; b) they will be treated with respect similar to their male colleagues and that c) that accountability for male perpetrators should be pursued.  Neo-feminism rose out of Soros funding aimed at shaping liberal values that Muslims were incapable of developing themselves and results in the entire destruction of the Muslim ummah, obviously.

The MCPP is an organization committed to the patriarchal values that keeps our community strong and safe, assuming you feel safe in attics and/or basements with no hope of leaving for days/weeks/years or hanging out at the mosque for spiritual reprieve in the form of hearing about everything you could have done to stop perpetrator attacks.  If there’s anything we believe, its that men deserve to be innocent until proven guilty and well innocent for actually being guilty too.  The point of patriarchy is to make these silly distinctions between innocence and guilt, irrelevant.  This is the social order that we know and love.  Nothing short of this will bring us closer to Jannah.

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Muslim Organization Celebrates DHS Award for COINTELPRO 2.0

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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
January 13th, 2017

The Muslim Coalition for Throwing Other Muslims Under the Bus (MCTOMUB) is excited to announce that we are recipients of a 200 million dollar grant for our “community” driven program aimed at helping communities received the help they didn’t know they needed.  More specifically, the money will be used to set up 20 pilot programs in cities with high concentrations of Muslims to convince members of the different communities that without knowing it, they were actually terrorists in training.  The programs that we plan to implement include one called, “Let’s be Honest,” where we will encourage members of the community to reveal their deepest, darkest, inner terrorist feelings in the context of our Unsafe Spaces program which seeks to eliminate the terrorist threat by getting everyone at the Mosque arrested.

The President of MCTOMUB, Latif Luqman Malik Mamdouh Misbah Nasib Nasah Nasim Thawab Thawban stated that, “we are proud to work with the US government on extending one of the best historical policies this country has ever seen.  It is especially empowering for us to be involved in the destruction of our own community because we were really starting to wonder where our tax dollars were going.  Now we can rest assure that what we pay in, gets returned, minus of course the mass incarceration the inevitably flows from our Unsafe Spaces program.  We are proud to be at this juncture of American history knowing that we too can play a special role in victimizing our own communities.”

The MCTOMUB is especially proud to receive this grant to work in our “community,” alongside other groups such as the Muslim Council on Criminalizing Other Muslims for Job Security (MCCOMJB) and the Foundation for Institutionalizing Islamophobia on the Local and Federal Level (FIILFL).  Together, we will work to build a strong foundation of anti-Muslim animus that is replicated under the guise of empowerment and resiliency of our communities.

Vice President of MCTOMUB, Adham Adnan Amro Assad Ashraf Badri Baha Baha Al-Din stated that, “we are hoping to use this opportunity to conduct massive political education outside on the grass because we don’t really know what grassroots means.  Moreover, we are also hoping that we can use the funding we’ve gained to truly build resiliency, by which I mean making sure Muslims aren’t vulnerable to Islam and therefore incapable of shredding their terrorist tendencies.  This funding gives us great hope of what’s to come and I truly thank the U.S. government for creating the conditions and policies that criminalize Muslims while also creating mechanisms for us to participate in our own criminalization.  If this isn’t an example of positive community partnerships from the government, than I don’t know what is.”

The MCTOMUB is expected to role out its first program in February which will be called, “No one told me I would grow up to be a terrorist.”

Muslims thank Trump for Space Heaters in Internment Camps

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Earlier today, the Muslim Caucus on Muslim Americans Begging for Unobtainable Equity (MCABUE) penned a letter to Trump thanking him for the recent influx of space heaters into their internment camps.  The letter in part stated that:

We are glad that Trump has succeeded in his presidency in ways we couldn’t have imagined.  After all this time, he finally got the registry re-instated and better yet, got us corralled into this beautiful interment camp on the Southern edge of the California mountains, equipped to handle the cold with brand new space heaters.  This puts us at the beautiful crux of policy and hate crimes; after all, we got space heaters not security.  Sometimes it gets cold at night, but with a President that cares so much about the Muslim community, we are able to stay warm and collected.  Moreover, after all this time, we finally get the opportunity to organize as a collective; had it not been for these camps, this wouldn’t have been possible.  We don’t care what history has taught us, the Muslim civil rights movement has always rested on the lowest of standards and it is this fact that allows us to celebrate our place in history as the “new kids on the block.”

MCABUE has many people to thank for what we have achieved so far, not including but limited to mainstream organizations that have worked hard for no one who knew about their hard work and change that never came.  We are looking forward to the installation of water fountains in our camps and port a potties with running water.

MCABUE’s upcoming campaign centers on appeasing the Alt-Right and showing them that we really are in the image of the Aryan race, minus the Brown skin (which we are working on eliminating).  We hope that together, with the Trump presidency, Muslims will not stand a chance of ever feeling at home again and that indigenous White people will be able to reclaim their rightful place in this country.  Will you join MCABUE in making America Muslim Free (and Great) Again?  We hope so.

With Respect,
Rashad Rasheed Rasul Ridwan Rizwan Saifullah Ali Baba Soltan

Muslim Victims of US War on Terror Reflect on Upcoming Presidential Elections

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In response to this article arguing that Muslims should vote for Hillary or be responsible for their own demise, the Muslim Bureau of Low Quality Investigative Reporting recently interviewed Muslim victims of the War on Terror to gather their perspectives on the upcoming elections.

“I’m excited about the possibility staying at Guantanamo Bay, the country’s exclusive Muslim prison, even longer than I thought.  If Trump gets elected, I’ll never leave and if Hillary gets elected, I’ll be imprisoned for life.  You can’t imagine how different it feels to think about being detained undefinitely versus indefinitely.   Regardless of who becomes president next, I just hope the food gets better and that eventually my Muslim American brethren will join me down here.  I’m sure that either candidate will gladly make that happen and for this, I am grateful.”
~Ahmed Mohamed Luqman Ali Baba Sultan, Guantanamo Bay Prisoner #64

“There’s nothing more beautiful than the sounds of drones flying above my house at daybreak and it breaks my heart to think that this could one day end.  I also don’t understand all this talk about collateral damage; in my part of the world, we call it population control and the United States could not be more helpful in this regard.  I’m extremely optimistic about the American choices for President because I can pretty much guarantee that no matter who wins, that drones will prevail and that our inability to feel safe at any moment in time will be maintained.”
~Saeed Said Sayed Mahmoud Abu Mahmoud, Yemeni Citizen

“We’ve built a strong Muslim community here in Little Gitmo and I can’t thank the architects of the War on Terror enough for helping us facilitate this.  Now that we are poised to get a new President, I’m looking forward to being transferred to another illegally built prison without notice of any wrongdoing so I can do more networking.  I’m also looking forward to being sent to a private prison because I hear they are really nice!  I hope that Clinton and Trump will both commit to getting rid of the “balancers” in the prison now, because its so inconvenient having all these non-Muslims around.  How am I supposed to feel special when non-Muslims are getting the same treatment as I am?  I’m optimistic that both Trump and Clinton will strive hard to make sure the prison industrial complex is perpetuated and that I can continue to call these prisons my home.  After all, all these politicians are really trying to do is to solve the homelessness problem for minorities.  We should have enough gratitude to commend them for this.”
~Aabid Aqil Aqid Afraz Aiman Akbar Rahman, Communications Management Unit Prisoner #43

“I love it when American soldiers bring us gifts during Christmas time because it almost erases the fact that the U.S. government has killed half my family and pretty much  destroyed my whole country.  The troops have been in Iraq for so long that it would be hard to see them go and I’m glad I don’t even have to imagine this happening under Trump or Clinton.  And now with the revelation that the government has paid to have fake videos made of terrorist groups, I’m confident and relieved that the troops will stay even longer.  I’m glad that neither Trump nor Clinton poses a threat to the possibility of troops leaving Iraq as I really believe that America’s moral superiority will continue to save us the way it has for the last 13 years.”
~Arbaab Arbaz Arslan Arshad Asad Asghar Akbar Ayuub, Iraqi Citizen

Muslim American Organization to Condemn Something Tonight

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December 3rd, 2015

For Immediate Release:

The Muslim American Collective for Collective Responsibility and Demonization (MACCRD), announced earlier this morning, that they would be holding a press conference later tonight to condemn something related to something one of the 1.2 billion members of the community did.  Possible scenarios that are being considered for condemnation, include for example, switching turkey breast for chicken breast in a sandwich in the local cafeteria, without notifying law enforcement authorities and preemptively crossing the street before the walk light came on.

President of the MACCRD, Samad Samah Salman Samahali-Yane Sheba Shamas Shareef, stated that, “We want to be clear that we pretty much condemn everything Muslims do.  I mean, why we try to act like normal human beings is beyond me.  And even when we do, that deserves condemnation too.  I hope that through our efforts to hold 1.2 billion people collectively responsible, Muslims will think twice about, well, doing anything.”

Vice-President of the MACCRD, Urtaal Usama  Wahaba IL-Yahat Latif Lukman Mahfuz Makram added, “as a Muslim myself, I can’t sit idly by while my community continues to be a plague on this universe.  I can’t think of one thing we do that doesn’t end in disaster.  That’s why the media is right to hold us accountable; I mean its not like anyone else on the planet is wreaking havoc.  So what if a few White Christian men decide to go on a shooting rampage?  They have mental health issues, but what’s our excuse?  After all, there is no medication that can cure us of our genetic predisposition to commit crime.  And it is our predisposition to perpetrate violence that drives White men out of control and into a life of crime.”

The MACCRD plans to hold a press conference at 9pm EST, which will allow for them to account for the worst thing that Muslims did today; a task their Board Chair stated, was “almost impossible” to decide on.  The conference will consist of 13-17 ineloquent and unqualified Muslim Americans speaking, in order to highlight the point that this community also just sucks at everything.
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Muslim American Organization Demands Clarity on Clear Statement

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The Muslim American Council on Clarifying Clear Statements (MACCCS) is demanding answers after presidential nominee Ted Jackovitch stated in his latest speech that he “hates Muslims and wants them to die.”  Referring to Jackovitch’s statement, ACCCS responded saying, “it is unclear what he meant by this statement.  Does he mean vitriol, contempt, despise, or abhor?  And does he mean death as in fatal?  These answers are critical in our understanding of his seemingly apparent dislike of our community.”

President of the MACCCS, AbdulMunir Ghafar Sultan Qaboos Muhsen Jaffar Fakhara Khara, who at the time of the Jackovitch’s speech was studying for his upcoming GRE exam, stated that, “it’s really hard to compile a catalogue of groups that loathe Muslims when they are so subtle about it.  I wish they could be more explicit about their hatred so we know where we stand.”

Jackovitch’s PR team, receiving a MACCCS press release in advance of the public release, responded stating that, Jackovitch has repeatedly clarified his hatred for Muslims.  According to his team, he stated that, “I want it to be clear that I hate Muslims.  Like I really hate them.  And now, because of their inability to understand my obvious hatred, I hate them even more.  What else can I do to show them how much I hate them?  Unfortunately, I think the only other way will be to commit nationwide hate crimes, which like everything else they don’t understand will also be misunderstood as something that happened because their mosque open house started late.  For the sake of clarity once more, let me say, I hate you all again and I hate you when I see you at the library, the grocery store, restaurants and/or any other place where it is clear that you are still alive and breathing.”

In response to Jackovitch’s statement, the MACCCS released an election guide titled, How to Know When a Prospective Presidential Candidate Hates Muslims: A Guide to Understanding Things That Shouldn’t Actually Need an Explanation.  The goal of the manual is to clarify the clarity of the clear statements that do not need clarification but still get clarified.  The guide can be downloaded at http://www.whydontyouunderstandshit.com

President Obama Guarantees Muslim Americans Institutionalized Access to the White House Bathroom

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Dear Friend,
Earlier this week, the United Muslim Council on Institutionalized Access to Inanimate Objects (UMCIAIO) had the opportunity to meet with President Obama at the annual White House Iftar.  It was such an honor to have been invited to this wonderful event with one of the world’s leading war criminals!

In the President’s remarks, he reflected on Muslims’ contributions to the United States and the Global Community.  In this, he mentioned how grateful he was for our acceptance of the CVE paradigm that criminalizes our community; he said that he was inspired by how many leaders would throw their communities under the bus just to be sitting with him tonight.  He also thanked the Association of Muslim Lone Wolves (AMLW) for not pushing the narrative that Muslims acts of violence are discreet and disconnected from the larger group, too aggressively, so that his administration could get away with promoting a global Muslim conspiracy that aims to foster the inherent radical tendencies in the 1.2 billion population.

I personally thanked the President for coming out strong against the murders of three North Carolina students.  I told him our community was indebted to him for acknowledging our right to exist and live until the age of at least 20.  I also thanked him for implementing policies that don’t target Muslims individually, but that target them at large.  This I told him, sends the right message to society, that they should aim big and work to commit as many hate crimes as it takes for the whole community to be terrified.  After all, if that isn’t the collective power of public policy and hate crimes, then I don’t know what is!

Most importantly, me and my team had the distinguished honor of gaining access not only to the White House tables (which incidentally, happened to be those crappy kind from Costco), but also to the White House bathrooms.  Do you know how happy I felt as soon as my butt touched that marble seat?  No immediate words came to my mind, but the sounds that flooded the room (if you know what I mean), gave me an idea of just how excited I really was.  I should note how much of a special honor it was to see that the White House had generously placed a bidet in the toilet and even better, it was shaped to formulate the word Muslim.  I know you’re thinking that it probably took way more time for the water to come out this way, but it was totally worth it!  I mean seeing the word Muslim in the White House?  Now that’s priceless.  I would be remiss if I didn’t include a picture below.  The first one is the outside of the toilet (how beautiful) and the second is the toilet from the inside:

Toilet-gold-plated            Screen Shot 2015-06-25 at 11.46.59 AM

As if the exquisite dinner and bathroom wasn’t enough, we also received party favors including toy drones (to remind us that we could be next) and mini toilets (to remind us of how not to be next).   We also received a frame with the picture below:

Drone Biggest

Monday, June 22nd was another major win for the Muslim American community.  We have finally achieved what no other minority group in this country has sought to achieve:  Institutionalized access to the White House bathroom.  I know this will carry us far in our quest for equal access to these private spaces, where our shit meets the shit of the administration. This is a powerful union and one made out of the hard work of courageous Muslim leaders who have taught the community that the best way to lead is to not lead and the best way to succeed is to treat your constituency like a herd of cattle (btw, we had beef brisket for dinner).

Thank you for your membership in the UMCIAIO.

Sincerely,
Dabir Dhakir Duqaq Ferraj Farooq Jabalah Jabbar

P.S. Like you, I was also bummed because of the absence of the Israeli ambassador:(.  But don’t worry, the Israeli embassy kindly sent over gift boxes with “their” falafel in it and a map of settlements in the works.  Additionally, they offered a 25% discount offer on settlement properties to MLI participants who fully embrace the Zionist cause.

P.P.S.  There were no protestors this year because those Muslim traitors who organized the one last year, finally recognized our fine achievements in the realm of Muslim American rights, by which I mean writing reports that no one will ever read because they a) suck; b) are irrelevant and untimely; and c) because they are the worst pieces of research this side of the Atlantic.