December 3rd, 2015
For Immediate Release:
The Muslim American Collective for Collective Responsibility and Demonization (MACCRD), announced earlier this morning, that they would be holding a press conference later tonight to condemn something related to something one of the 1.2 billion members of the community did. Possible scenarios that are being considered for condemnation, include for example, switching turkey breast for chicken breast in a sandwich in the local cafeteria, without notifying law enforcement authorities and preemptively crossing the street before the walk light came on.
President of the MACCRD, Samad Samah Salman Samahali-Yane Sheba Shamas Shareef, stated that, “We want to be clear that we pretty much condemn everything Muslims do. I mean, why we try to act like normal human beings is beyond me. And even when we do, that deserves condemnation too. I hope that through our efforts to hold 1.2 billion people collectively responsible, Muslims will think twice about, well, doing anything.”
Vice-President of the MACCRD, Urtaal Usama Wahaba IL-Yahat Latif Lukman Mahfuz Makram added, “as a Muslim myself, I can’t sit idly by while my community continues to be a plague on this universe. I can’t think of one thing we do that doesn’t end in disaster. That’s why the media is right to hold us accountable; I mean its not like anyone else on the planet is wreaking havoc. So what if a few White Christian men decide to go on a shooting rampage? They have mental health issues, but what’s our excuse? After all, there is no medication that can cure us of our genetic predisposition to commit crime. And it is our predisposition to perpetrate violence that drives White men out of control and into a life of crime.”
The MACCRD plans to hold a press conference at 9pm EST, which will allow for them to account for the worst thing that Muslims did today; a task their Board Chair stated, was “almost impossible” to decide on. The conference will consist of 13-17 ineloquent and unqualified Muslim Americans speaking, in order to highlight the point that this community also just sucks at everything.