Stockholm, Sweden (4/5/2019) – The Muslim Council on Tokenizing Ourselves and Supporting Volunplation (Volunteering + Exploitation) (MCTOSV) is outraged after unexpectedly receiving backlash for our planned visit to Abudeen to witness one of many sites of Saudi aggression. The president of the MCTOSV, Adel Malik Usama AbdAlQadr AbdelFattah Omar Wasim Waqi, expressing concern for the miscalculation, stated that “I was under the assumption that members of our Ummah welcome the opportunity to visit this war zone to pay their respects and deposit a couple hundred roses at the cemetery. I mean how else is anyone supposed to believe that a massacre is happening and ongoing? I for one, didn’t believe what anyone told me about what happened in Abudeen until I saw it with my own eyes. Furthermore, why in the world would other Muslims be so unwelcoming of our attempts to pay our respects in the form of pity and a carefully curated contest offering a free trip to Abudeen? In today’s world, twitter followers, not money is the most sought after currency and I’ll be damned if anyone in the Ummah wants to stop me from exploiting other Muslims as a means to my social media ends.”
The contest, which was announced on Wednesday, gave followers a chance to win a free trip to Abudeen if they followed the accounts of the deceased Muslims in the cemetery and tagged three exploitative scholars who live in glass houses and are either known to be shady or will soon be known as shady.
Commenting on the contest, Vice President of the MCTOSV, Hadi Hakeem Halim Qaseem Saddam Shahriar Sultan, who at the time of the backlash was visiting the site of a massacre in Scandinavia stated that, “I really can’t believe the reaction to our attempts to bring Muslims to the scene of violence. It’s like one minute they’re complaining that no one cares about Muslims and the next minute they’re decrying a contest meant to bring them closer to this violence. Who wouldn’t want to travel across the world to bring comfort to other Muslims who would obviously feel better when a random delegation of Muslims comes to visit them? Also, talk about ungrateful! We spent months using the hashtag #6000000Lives detailing the names and faces of the dead only to be accused of centering ourselves. What kind of gratitude is that? I for one am completely disgusted by this behavior and if hear one more complaint, my colleagues will start using the hashtag #600001Lives because I will just kill myself.”
It’s important to note that the community in New Zealand already had the support of White non-Muslim women wearing the hijab, who they preferred over the American Muslim community, to remind them of the fact that they’ll still get targeted and probably worse now that some goddamn white nationalists will think they converted because they can’t read or only recognize the global symbol of White power.
A former program officer of the MCTOSV was unavailable for comment as he was busy navigating the UN’s system of internal impunity after being accused of sexual harassment, which like other things the UN purports to address, has actually made things worse.
Back to the MCTOSV, we want to state in unequivocal terms that we are:
And just so everyone knows, we are currently working on a strategic plan that involves taking stock of what tragedies can be exploited for the common good and for twitter followers. If there’s anything we know, it’s that Muslim lives deserve to be minimized before and after death, for the purpose of consistency. And it’s even better when death is minimized by fellow Muslims, because then the whole thing just doesn’t seem as bad! During the Prophet’s time, he also had followers, and obviously the modern day form of this is not only facebook, but Twitter too. Just think, if the Prophet was alive now, he would have 1.1 billion followers – the highest social media following of all times. But since he’s no longer with us, we will emulate his example because he would have definitely visited a war torn country to get more followers, obviously.
To end, we want to share one of our favorite quotes by Ralph Waldo Emerson on the meaning of success, which we feel is relevant in this context:
“What is success? To get social media followers often and many; to win the respect of social media influencers and the affection of children with social media accounts; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of ungrateful AF Muslims; to appreciate the beauty of the range of social media platforms; to find the best in others’ social media profiles; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a robust twitter following or 5,000 friends on FB, or a redeemed social condition aided through social media; to know even one life has breathed easier because of your social media profile. This is to have succeeded!”