Author Archives: abudeen2014

Secret Muslim Marriages – So Secret the Bride Doesn’t Even Know!


London, Britain – Today, mainstream Muslim organizations learned of several marriages in the Muslim community that the brides were not privy too.  The organization that facilitated these weddings – The Defense of Patriarchy, Democracy, Polygamy, and 70 excuses is under fire for their role in tricking at least 20 women.

The president of The Defense of Patriarchy, Democracy, Polygamy, and 70 Excuses,  Adeel Amir Bishr Dawood Fadl Jaafar Khairi, responded to the accusations stated that, “it is not our fault that these women were not aware of the partnership they were entering in to.  So what if the party room said happy birthday, congratulations on graduating, and get better soon?  If the cumulative message behind all of these statements wasn’t you’re getting married, than I don’t know what it is.  We also invited multiple women to the party so they should have assumed they were entering into a polygamous marriage – I mean isn’t that always what you should expect when you go to Muslim parties?  Moreover, it’s not our fault that our ummah is filled with such stunning amounts of goddamn losers that this has become our last resort to getting them married.  That’s more reason why we need the 1 to 4 ratio in Muslim marriages – because even the higher quality losers are few and far between.”

Speaking on the condition of anonymity, one of the women who got married behind her back, stated that “I’m now in a precarious situation, isolated, and alone.  When I first saw the man I was apparently wed to, I was horrified.  Unfortunately, my attempt to jump out the window and end it all was unsuccessful because the loser I married predicted as much and got us a hotel room on the first floor.  Now all I think about is how to get divorced, because I won’t even get much of anything if he dies, save a few oreo cookies, our marriage certificate that I will promptly burn, and his dictators of the Arab world collection of stamps.”

The vice president of The Defense of Patriarchy, Democracy, Polygamy, and 70 Excuses, Asfour Asafeer Dabir Kadir Kaseem Zahid Zakeer Ali Baba Sultan, weighed in, in defense of Khairi, stating that, “there is literally no other way for these men to get married.  Moreover, do you really want them going around with mistresses?  Aren’t four unknowing brides better than one mistress?  And besides, it’s none of your business anyways and the only reason I’m saying this now is because I finally free from the prison cell where I spent time doing mental gymnastics and thinking of ways to make a totally unplausable story plausible (this is where the 70 excuses come to save the day!).  I mean, so what if they caught me at the scene, found my DNA all over the furniture with a woman who didn’t know she was my wife?  Whose fault is that?  I’m sure you’ll agree that it’s obviously the woman’s because they are always wrong because we’re always right.  I just hope you help me share my story of victimhood in the form of 1,000 likes and 300 shares because that’s how I’ll know my bullshit excuse of a statement was worth the time.”

The Defense of Patriarchy, Democracy, Polygamy, and 70 Excuses is currently under investigation by the state for their role in deceiving Muslim women.  Though they don’t normally care, even this was deemed a stretch to the limits of the Muslim patriarchy.

Another women speaking on the condition of anonymity said that, “Ahead of the state’s response, Muslim women all over the world are collectively thanking the Muslim patriarchy for the next set of bombings that will hit their countries now that the state has decided to save them from these men/trash.  But to be honest, a bomb might be more preferable than marrying any of these men.  Think about that.  Muslim women prefer bombings over Muslim men.  Is it the day of judgement yet?  I sure hope so.”





Are Muslim Zionists No Longer Welcome at Muslim conferences?


Dear Beloved community,

My name is Ibrahim Mahir Mahmoud Mudawwar Muhammed Musannad Al-Harami Badr al-Din and I’m writing to express my deep concern over being disinvited from one the country’s smallest Muslim conferences in the United States.  By way of background, I’m a dentist turned pharmacist turned tabloid journalist who travels the globe in search of protracted conflicts that I can exploit for my own personal benefit.

Recently, I wrote an article about my travels to Burma where I had the opportunity to spend quality time with the Buddhists that are responsible for the Genocide of Muslims.  It was really enlightening to hear from them how problematic our people are and why they feel that death is the only possible solution to our repugnant existence.  When I got back, I wrote an article in The Pacific, titled a “Self-Hating Muslim Among Rightfully Genocidal Buddhists,” that garnered way more attention that I ever anticipated.

The outpouring of support was so beautiful that I decided to travel to China to spend time with the Chinese government in order to better understand their persecution of the Uyghurs.  I was shocked to learn that the Chinese government had attempted to negotiate with them multiple times before taking their food, land, and basically all their livelihood and they just responded with ingratitude.  You can imagine how excited the Cultural Appropriation and Exploitation of Suffering Editor at the Atlantic was to get this piece that I called “Uyghurs At Fault For Not Succumbing to State Violence.”

Now my art of suffering journalism didn’t stop there and my next stop was Kashmir.  Boy oh boy was that one complicated.  To think that Kashmiris are insisting on their sovereignty from a government that wants to provide for them is so baffling.  I mean, why would ANYONE want to dissociate from India?  It’s practically heaven for Muslims there and the opportunity to be placed on their racist hierarchy should be appealing for any Muslim who believes in nation states.  I’m still working on publishing this piece, but I’m hopeful that when I do, it will resolve the conflict once and for all!

Before my last stop to Palestine, I made a stop in Syria to figure out how my quasi journalism could solve that conflict too.  From my meetings with Bashar Al-Assad, it became clear to me that the real problem are the terrorists.  Terrorists here, terrorists there, terrorists everywhere.  What is a dictator to do?  Obviously he has to exterminate half the population while driving out the other half.  I mean is their really any other solution???

And now onto Palestine and Israel, the region that has lead to my infamy.  You might ask why I spend so much time with Zionists/Settler Zionists/American Zionists/European Zionists/Muslim Zionists, etc.  But the real question is why don’t you?  Like seriously, why don’t you try to understand their struggles?  Now that I’ve developed deep relationships with them, they are committed to whitewashing their injustices by using me as a proxy and if this isn’t progress, I don’t know what is.  Meanwhile, all I get from the Muslim community is ingratitude because they fail to see how my life changing journalism is shifting the tide of political conflicts across the globe.  Palestine advocacy is particularly important to me which is why I just opened two offices in the Settlements – one for my newly launched newspaper called “The Exploitation Times,” and the second for my new non-profit called “Dehumanizing Humanized Peoples.”

After all this, and I get disinvited from a Muslim conference.  You can imagine how angry I am and how many questions I have, including:

  1. How many extremists governments/groups, etc. that oppress Muslims do I have to meet with to get reinvited?
  2. Why do you get to have consistent principles at the expense of my inconsistent principles?
  3. Where were you when Camp David was happening?
  4. Why do I have to unfriend someone like my good friend Netanyahu just because he has different values than me?
  5. When will you accept that being pushed into the sea is fun?  (FYI, I tried it once with a paddle board)

I’ll leave it at that for now, but if the organization that disinvited me doesn’t respond, I’ll publish an op-ed in the New York Times that trashes the Muslim community so hard that people attending their conference in September will feel the bus crush them from now.

Best Regards,
Ibrahim Mahir Mahmoud Mudawwar Muhammed Musannad Al-Harami Badr al-Din


Muslim Council for Victims of Bus Violence Responds to Disinvitation of Speaker to Muslim Conference


Dear blessed community members,
Allow me to introduce myself.  My name is Karim Khairy Khoury Sharif Sulaiyman Saddam Zaafar Usman and I’m the President of the Muslim Council for Victims of Bus Violence.  I’m writing to respond to the current controversy surround a major Muslim organization disinviting a Muslim journalist to their upcoming conference.  In my post next week, I will spell out some guidelines on how to make these decisions, but this week, I wanted to start by answering some of the questions that the disinvited speaker posed:

1. Is Palestine a religious issue or is it a secular issue?
There is no point in answering this question since you will exploit the issue regardless.  

2. Is Palestine tantamount to being a creedal issue? If so, why Palestine and not other issues like Rohingya, Syria, BLM, Kashmir, etc?
Answering this question will not bring us any closer to resolving your deep commitment to being a sell-out.

3. Since there is a dogmatic line we have to adhere to on Palestine, what is it? 1 state? 2 state? BDS? What’s their position on Israel itself – do they recognize it as a state? If you do recognize Israel, what’s wrong with reporting on it and showing the brutality of the occupation and settler movement? What happens if people disagree on some or all of the above? What then? If you don’t recognize Israel, why not be open about it and own it proudly?
I don’t know about you, but if I was hanging out with settlers, I’m not sure the first thing on my mind, would be one state/two state.  Re: not recognizing Israel, good suggestion that will obviously lead to ZERO consequences especially since one of our OWN, wrote TWO Articles in the ATLANTIC trashing us.  Keep the great suggestions coming.

4. How did I violate their positions based on my work? What work? It couldn’t be MLI, because ISNA invited me to give 3 talks in the past year knowing my work with Shalom Hartman Institute. Is it the Atlantic article? Is ISNA against engaging with Zionist Jews? If so, how do they do interfaith work and civic engagement with Jewish allies?
People make mistakes.  You’re one of them.  Keep asking these questions and we’ll invoice you to get your honorariums back.

5. If I did blasphemy based on a “dump” tweet and using metaphors, how do they reconcile working with speakers who have used religion and God to attack women, minorities, Shia, Ahamaddiya and LGBTQ communities?
No one said blasphemy, BUT I hope you get to write another article in the Atlantic about this.  Also, just as a matter of etiquette, it’s good to keep your crap (literal) to yourself.  

6. If we are to stand for justice, how do you reconcile working with Turkey and inviting President Erdogan’s representatives to ISNA? Turkey has jailed more journalists than any other country.
Well good thing they wouldn’t jail you since you’re a quasi journalist.  

7. How do you reconcile working with speakers and leaders who take funds from and work with foreign countries, such as Saudi Arabia, which is bombarding Yemen, and countries like UAE and Qatar with atrocious human rights records?
The same way that we take funds from the US government that is giving Saudi arms and money to fund the proxy war in Yemen and well all the other human rights abuses the US supports in the Middle East.  Thanks for you tax dollars for this by the way.


Muslim Community in Disbelief Over Completely Believable Scandal


For Immediate Release

Anchorage, AK, September 21st, 2017.  The Muslim Council for the Protection of the Patriarchy (MCPP) is outraged by recent accusations that its president, Akhlaaq Akhlaas Arhab Bahjat Bahlawan Dhul Fiqar Dhulfaqaar, was involved in a cross border trafficking operation that resulted in the death of five Muslim women.  Despite the presence of emails linking him to the trafficker, pictures of the handoff between the trafficker and Dhulfaqaar, the presence of 150 witnesses, an autospy confirming the murders, three kidnapped children discovered in his attic, five unrelated young women in his basement, testimony from the victims’ families, and thirteen restraining orders, it has not been proven beyond an unreasonable doubt that these crimes are linked to him.

Several community advocates and activists who claim the allegations against Dhulfaqaar are false, insisted they hear testimony from the victims, going so far as to arrange a trip to the morgue to interrogate those murdered in order to question them about their silence.  One community activist, Jaafar Sadequee Mohammed Mahmoud Saad Al Din Abudeen Abu Quraysh Zubaydah said, “I can’t believe they are taking this laying down.  After all the damage they’ve done, they have the audacity  to just hang out stone cold and silent.  What will it take for them to speak up publicly?  Dead or alive, I won’t believe these accusations until I hear it from their mouths.”

Dhulfaqaar is taking a leave of absence to calm down the chatter and work on writing his version of what happened which largely involves outing his fellow abusers and victim blaming.  In his preliminary statement, Dhulfaqaar stated that, “These accusations against me are flat out baseless.  So what if they have receipts, text messages, photographs, co-signed lease agreements, hand delivered threats, and dead fish on their doorsteps signed ‘this is a warning from Dhulfaqaar’? If O.J. Simpson can get off scott free because the glove used to commit murder was one size too small, than there is cause to assume I’m innocent too.  Furthermore, I have plead with the victims to come forward and their silence has been deafening (its amazing how quiet it is in the morgue!).  I know the truth will eventually emerge that vindicates me or that at least allows me to assume an unrecognizable life in the Vatican, where I hear a lack of accountability for religious leaders is dogma.”

Commenting on the accusations against Dhulfaqaar, Vice-president of the MCPP Faariq  Farooq Hajjir Hajjaj Huthayfa Inayatullah stated that, “It is so heartbreaking to hear about these vicious allegations against our president has been.  After all these years, he has done everything possible to gain power, while at the same time obscuring his crimes, while also finding the time to seek refuge in the teachings of Islam.  He has taught Muslims that no one is beyond sinning, but that if you, like him, gain enough power, it won’t really matter anyway.  After all, who’s going to believe a silly woman/500 silly women?  If there’s anything I know about my community, its that they will uphold patriarchy to their death and for this I am proud.”

Despite these ridiculous accusations, the MCPP is moving forward with the release of our report titled, “The Art of Gaslighting:  Silencing the Rise of Neo-Feminism and Muslim Women’s Audacity to Speak Up”.  You can download the report at

For more context, our definition of neo-feminism is as follows:
“Neo-feminism is a term meant to articulate the inexplicable empowerment of women stemming from the (false) belief that they are equal to men resulting in consequences such as the belief that their a) testimony matters; b) they will be treated with respect similar to their male colleagues and that c) that accountability for male perpetrators should be pursued.  Neo-feminism rose out of Soros funding aimed at shaping liberal values that Muslims were incapable of developing themselves and results in the entire destruction of the Muslim ummah, obviously.

The MCPP is an organization committed to the patriarchal values that keeps our community strong and safe, assuming you feel safe in attics and/or basements with no hope of leaving for days/weeks/years or hanging out at the mosque for spiritual reprieve in the form of hearing about everything you could have done to stop perpetrator attacks.  If there’s anything we believe, its that men deserve to be innocent until proven guilty and well innocent for actually being guilty too.  The point of patriarchy is to make these silly distinctions between innocence and guilt, irrelevant.  This is the social order that we know and love.  Nothing short of this will bring us closer to Jannah.

Muslim Organization Celebrates DHS Award for COINTELPRO 2.0


January 13th, 2017

The Muslim Coalition for Throwing Other Muslims Under the Bus (MCTOMUB) is excited to announce that we are recipients of a 200 million dollar grant for our “community” driven program aimed at helping communities received the help they didn’t know they needed.  More specifically, the money will be used to set up 20 pilot programs in cities with high concentrations of Muslims to convince members of the different communities that without knowing it, they were actually terrorists in training.  The programs that we plan to implement include one called, “Let’s be Honest,” where we will encourage members of the community to reveal their deepest, darkest, inner terrorist feelings in the context of our Unsafe Spaces program which seeks to eliminate the terrorist threat by getting everyone at the Mosque arrested.

The President of MCTOMUB, Latif Luqman Malik Mamdouh Misbah Nasib Nasah Nasim Thawab Thawban stated that, “we are proud to work with the US government on extending one of the best historical policies this country has ever seen.  It is especially empowering for us to be involved in the destruction of our own community because we were really starting to wonder where our tax dollars were going.  Now we can rest assure that what we pay in, gets returned, minus of course the mass incarceration the inevitably flows from our Unsafe Spaces program.  We are proud to be at this juncture of American history knowing that we too can play a special role in victimizing our own communities.”

The MCTOMUB is especially proud to receive this grant to work in our “community,” alongside other groups such as the Muslim Council on Criminalizing Other Muslims for Job Security (MCCOMJB) and the Foundation for Institutionalizing Islamophobia on the Local and Federal Level (FIILFL).  Together, we will work to build a strong foundation of anti-Muslim animus that is replicated under the guise of empowerment and resiliency of our communities.

Vice President of MCTOMUB, Adham Adnan Amro Assad Ashraf Badri Baha Baha Al-Din stated that, “we are hoping to use this opportunity to conduct massive political education outside on the grass because we don’t really know what grassroots means.  Moreover, we are also hoping that we can use the funding we’ve gained to truly build resiliency, by which I mean making sure Muslims aren’t vulnerable to Islam and therefore incapable of shredding their terrorist tendencies.  This funding gives us great hope of what’s to come and I truly thank the U.S. government for creating the conditions and policies that criminalize Muslims while also creating mechanisms for us to participate in our own criminalization.  If this isn’t an example of positive community partnerships from the government, than I don’t know what is.”

The MCTOMUB is expected to role out its first program in February which will be called, “No one told me I would grow up to be a terrorist.”

Muslims thank Trump for Space Heaters in Internment Camps


Earlier today, the Muslim Caucus on Muslim Americans Begging for Unobtainable Equity (MCABUE) penned a letter to Trump thanking him for the recent influx of space heaters into their internment camps.  The letter in part stated that:

We are glad that Trump has succeeded in his presidency in ways we couldn’t have imagined.  After all this time, he finally got the registry re-instated and better yet, got us corralled into this beautiful interment camp on the Southern edge of the California mountains, equipped to handle the cold with brand new space heaters.  This puts us at the beautiful crux of policy and hate crimes; after all, we got space heaters not security.  Sometimes it gets cold at night, but with a President that cares so much about the Muslim community, we are able to stay warm and collected.  Moreover, after all this time, we finally get the opportunity to organize as a collective; had it not been for these camps, this wouldn’t have been possible.  We don’t care what history has taught us, the Muslim civil rights movement has always rested on the lowest of standards and it is this fact that allows us to celebrate our place in history as the “new kids on the block.”

MCABUE has many people to thank for what we have achieved so far, not including but limited to mainstream organizations that have worked hard for no one who knew about their hard work and change that never came.  We are looking forward to the installation of water fountains in our camps and port a potties with running water.

MCABUE’s upcoming campaign centers on appeasing the Alt-Right and showing them that we really are in the image of the Aryan race, minus the Brown skin (which we are working on eliminating).  We hope that together, with the Trump presidency, Muslims will not stand a chance of ever feeling at home again and that indigenous White people will be able to reclaim their rightful place in this country.  Will you join MCABUE in making America Muslim Free (and Great) Again?  We hope so.

With Respect,
Rashad Rasheed Rasul Ridwan Rizwan Saifullah Ali Baba Soltan

Muslim Victims of US War on Terror Reflect on Upcoming Presidential Elections


In response to this article arguing that Muslims should vote for Hillary or be responsible for their own demise, the Muslim Bureau of Low Quality Investigative Reporting recently interviewed Muslim victims of the War on Terror to gather their perspectives on the upcoming elections.

“I’m excited about the possibility staying at Guantanamo Bay, the country’s exclusive Muslim prison, even longer than I thought.  If Trump gets elected, I’ll never leave and if Hillary gets elected, I’ll be imprisoned for life.  You can’t imagine how different it feels to think about being detained undefinitely versus indefinitely.   Regardless of who becomes president next, I just hope the food gets better and that eventually my Muslim American brethren will join me down here.  I’m sure that either candidate will gladly make that happen and for this, I am grateful.”
~Ahmed Mohamed Luqman Ali Baba Sultan, Guantanamo Bay Prisoner #64

“There’s nothing more beautiful than the sounds of drones flying above my house at daybreak and it breaks my heart to think that this could one day end.  I also don’t understand all this talk about collateral damage; in my part of the world, we call it population control and the United States could not be more helpful in this regard.  I’m extremely optimistic about the American choices for President because I can pretty much guarantee that no matter who wins, that drones will prevail and that our inability to feel safe at any moment in time will be maintained.”
~Saeed Said Sayed Mahmoud Abu Mahmoud, Yemeni Citizen

“We’ve built a strong Muslim community here in Little Gitmo and I can’t thank the architects of the War on Terror enough for helping us facilitate this.  Now that we are poised to get a new President, I’m looking forward to being transferred to another illegally built prison without notice of any wrongdoing so I can do more networking.  I’m also looking forward to being sent to a private prison because I hear they are really nice!  I hope that Clinton and Trump will both commit to getting rid of the “balancers” in the prison now, because its so inconvenient having all these non-Muslims around.  How am I supposed to feel special when non-Muslims are getting the same treatment as I am?  I’m optimistic that both Trump and Clinton will strive hard to make sure the prison industrial complex is perpetuated and that I can continue to call these prisons my home.  After all, all these politicians are really trying to do is to solve the homelessness problem for minorities.  We should have enough gratitude to commend them for this.”
~Aabid Aqil Aqid Afraz Aiman Akbar Rahman, Communications Management Unit Prisoner #43

“I love it when American soldiers bring us gifts during Christmas time because it almost erases the fact that the U.S. government has killed half my family and pretty much  destroyed my whole country.  The troops have been in Iraq for so long that it would be hard to see them go and I’m glad I don’t even have to imagine this happening under Trump or Clinton.  And now with the revelation that the government has paid to have fake videos made of terrorist groups, I’m confident and relieved that the troops will stay even longer.  I’m glad that neither Trump nor Clinton poses a threat to the possibility of troops leaving Iraq as I really believe that America’s moral superiority will continue to save us the way it has for the last 13 years.”
~Arbaab Arbaz Arslan Arshad Asad Asghar Akbar Ayuub, Iraqi Citizen