Dear Beloved community,

My name is Ibrahim Mahir Mahmoud Mudawwar Muhammed Musannad Al-Harami Badr al-Din and I’m writing to express my deep concern over being disinvited from one the country’s smallest Muslim conferences in the United States.  By way of background, I’m a dentist turned pharmacist turned tabloid journalist who travels the globe in search of protracted conflicts that I can exploit for my own personal benefit.

Recently, I wrote an article about my travels to Burma where I had the opportunity to spend quality time with the Buddhists that are responsible for the Genocide of Muslims.  It was really enlightening to hear from them how problematic our people are and why they feel that death is the only possible solution to our repugnant existence.  When I got back, I wrote an article in The Pacific, titled a “Self-Hating Muslim Among Rightfully Genocidal Buddhists,” that garnered way more attention that I ever anticipated.

The outpouring of support was so beautiful that I decided to travel to China to spend time with the Chinese government in order to better understand their persecution of the Uyghurs.  I was shocked to learn that the Chinese government had attempted to negotiate with them multiple times before taking their food, land, and basically all their livelihood and they just responded with ingratitude.  You can imagine how excited the Cultural Appropriation and Exploitation of Suffering Editor at the Atlantic was to get this piece that I called “Uyghurs At Fault For Not Succumbing to State Violence.”

Now my art of suffering journalism didn’t stop there and my next stop was Kashmir.  Boy oh boy was that one complicated.  To think that Kashmiris are insisting on their sovereignty from a government that wants to provide for them is so baffling.  I mean, why would ANYONE want to dissociate from India?  It’s practically heaven for Muslims there and the opportunity to be placed on their racist hierarchy should be appealing for any Muslim who believes in nation states.  I’m still working on publishing this piece, but I’m hopeful that when I do, it will resolve the conflict once and for all!

Before my last stop to Palestine, I made a stop in Syria to figure out how my quasi journalism could solve that conflict too.  From my meetings with Bashar Al-Assad, it became clear to me that the real problem are the terrorists.  Terrorists here, terrorists there, terrorists everywhere.  What is a dictator to do?  Obviously he has to exterminate half the population while driving out the other half.  I mean is their really any other solution???

And now onto Palestine and Israel, the region that has lead to my infamy.  You might ask why I spend so much time with Zionists/Settler Zionists/American Zionists/European Zionists/Muslim Zionists, etc.  But the real question is why don’t you?  Like seriously, why don’t you try to understand their struggles?  Now that I’ve developed deep relationships with them, they are committed to whitewashing their injustices by using me as a proxy and if this isn’t progress, I don’t know what is.  Meanwhile, all I get from the Muslim community is ingratitude because they fail to see how my life changing journalism is shifting the tide of political conflicts across the globe.  Palestine advocacy is particularly important to me which is why I just opened two offices in the Settlements – one for my newly launched newspaper called “The Exploitation Times,” and the second for my new non-profit called “Dehumanizing Humanized Peoples.”

After all this, and I get disinvited from a Muslim conference.  You can imagine how angry I am and how many questions I have, including:

1. How many extremists governments/groups, etc. that oppress Muslims do I have to meet with to get reinvited?
2. Why do you get to have consistent principles at the expense of my inconsistent principles?
3. Where were you when Camp David was happening?
4. Why do I have to unfriend someone like my good friend Netanyahu just because he has different values than me?
5. When will you accept that being pushed into the sea is fun?  (FYI, I tried it once with a paddle board)

I’ll leave it at that for now, but if the organization that disinvited me doesn’t respond, I’ll publish an op-ed in the New York Times that trashes the Muslim community so hard that people attending their conference in September will feel the bus crush them from now.

Best Regards,
Ibrahim Mahir Mahmoud Mudawwar Muhammed Musannad Al-Harami Badr al-Din

 

Dear blessed community members,
Allow me to introduce myself.  My name is Karim Khairy Khoury Sharif Sulaiyman Saddam Zaafar Usman and I’m the President of the Muslim Council for Victims of Bus Violence.  I’m writing to respond to the current controversy surround a major Muslim organization disinviting a Muslim journalist to their upcoming conference.  In my post next week, I will spell out some guidelines on how to make these decisions, but this week, I wanted to start by answering some of the questions that the disinvited speaker posed:

1. Is Palestine a religious issue or is it a secular issue?
There is no point in answering this question since you will exploit the issue regardless.  

2. Is Palestine tantamount to being a creedal issue? If so, why Palestine and not other issues like Rohingya, Syria, BLM, Kashmir, etc?
Answering this question will not bring us any closer to resolving your deep commitment to being a sell-out.

3. Since there is a dogmatic line we have to adhere to on Palestine, what is it? 1 state? 2 state? BDS? What’s their position on Israel itself – do they recognize it as a state? If you do recognize Israel, what’s wrong with reporting on it and showing the brutality of the occupation and settler movement? What happens if people disagree on some or all of the above? What then? If you don’t recognize Israel, why not be open about it and own it proudly?
I don’t know about you, but if I was hanging out with settlers, I’m not sure the first thing on my mind, would be one state/two state.  Re: not recognizing Israel, good suggestion that will obviously lead to ZERO consequences especially since one of our OWN, wrote TWO Articles in the ATLANTIC trashing us.  Keep the great suggestions coming.

4. How did I violate their positions based on my work? What work? It couldn’t be MLI, because ISNA invited me to give 3 talks in the past year knowing my work with Shalom Hartman Institute. Is it the Atlantic article? Is ISNA against engaging with Zionist Jews? If so, how do they do interfaith work and civic engagement with Jewish allies?
People make mistakes.  You’re one of them.  Keep asking these questions and we’ll invoice you to get your honorariums back.

5. If I did blasphemy based on a “dump” tweet and using metaphors, how do they reconcile working with speakers who have used religion and God to attack women, minorities, Shia, Ahamaddiya and LGBTQ communities?
No one said blasphemy, BUT I hope you get to write another article in the Atlantic about this.  Also, just as a matter of etiquette, it’s good to keep your crap (literal) to yourself.  

6. If we are to stand for justice, how do you reconcile working with Turkey and inviting President Erdogan’s representatives to ISNA? Turkey has jailed more journalists than any other country.
Well good thing they wouldn’t jail you since you’re a quasi journalist.  

7. How do you reconcile working with speakers and leaders who take funds from and work with foreign countries, such as Saudi Arabia, which is bombarding Yemen, and countries like UAE and Qatar with atrocious human rights records?
The same way that we take funds from the US government that is giving Saudi arms and money to fund the proxy war in Yemen and well all the other human rights abuses the US supports in the Middle East.  Thanks for you tax dollars for this by the way.