Dear Beloved community,
My name is Ibrahim Mahir Mahmoud Mudawwar Muhammed Musannad Al-Harami Badr al-Din and I’m writing to express my deep concern over being disinvited from one the country’s smallest Muslim conferences in the United States. By way of background, I’m a dentist turned pharmacist turned tabloid journalist who travels the globe in search of protracted conflicts that I can exploit for my own personal benefit.
Recently, I wrote an article about my travels to Burma where I had the opportunity to spend quality time with the Buddhists that are responsible for the Genocide of Muslims. It was really enlightening to hear from them how problematic our people are and why they feel that death is the only possible solution to our repugnant existence. When I got back, I wrote an article in The Pacific, titled a “Self-Hating Muslim Among Rightfully Genocidal Buddhists,” that garnered way more attention that I ever anticipated.
The outpouring of support was so beautiful that I decided to travel to China to spend time with the Chinese government in order to better understand their persecution of the Uyghurs. I was shocked to learn that the Chinese government had attempted to negotiate with them multiple times before taking their food, land, and basically all their livelihood and they just responded with ingratitude. You can imagine how excited the Cultural Appropriation and Exploitation of Suffering Editor at the Atlantic was to get this piece that I called “Uyghurs At Fault For Not Succumbing to State Violence.”
Now my art of suffering journalism didn’t stop there and my next stop was Kashmir. Boy oh boy was that one complicated. To think that Kashmiris are insisting on their sovereignty from a government that wants to provide for them is so baffling. I mean, why would ANYONE want to dissociate from India? It’s practically heaven for Muslims there and the opportunity to be placed on their racist hierarchy should be appealing for any Muslim who believes in nation states. I’m still working on publishing this piece, but I’m hopeful that when I do, it will resolve the conflict once and for all!
Before my last stop to Palestine, I made a stop in Syria to figure out how my quasi journalism could solve that conflict too. From my meetings with Bashar Al-Assad, it became clear to me that the real problem are the terrorists. Terrorists here, terrorists there, terrorists everywhere. What is a dictator to do? Obviously he has to exterminate half the population while driving out the other half. I mean is their really any other solution???
And now onto Palestine and Israel, the region that has lead to my infamy. You might ask why I spend so much time with Zionists/Settler Zionists/American Zionists/European Zionists/Muslim Zionists, etc. But the real question is why don’t you? Like seriously, why don’t you try to understand their struggles? Now that I’ve developed deep relationships with them, they are committed to whitewashing their injustices by using me as a proxy and if this isn’t progress, I don’t know what is. Meanwhile, all I get from the Muslim community is ingratitude because they fail to see how my life changing journalism is shifting the tide of political conflicts across the globe. Palestine advocacy is particularly important to me which is why I just opened two offices in the Settlements – one for my newly launched newspaper called “The Exploitation Times,” and the second for my new non-profit called “Dehumanizing Humanized Peoples.”
After all this, and I get disinvited from a Muslim conference. You can imagine how angry I am and how many questions I have, including:
- How many extremists governments/groups, etc. that oppress Muslims do I have to meet with to get reinvited?
- Why do you get to have consistent principles at the expense of my inconsistent principles?
- Where were you when Camp David was happening?
- Why do I have to unfriend someone like my good friend Netanyahu just because he has different values than me?
- When will you accept that being pushed into the sea is fun? (FYI, I tried it once with a paddle board)
I’ll leave it at that for now, but if the organization that disinvited me doesn’t respond, I’ll publish an op-ed in the New York Times that trashes the Muslim community so hard that people attending their conference in September will feel the bus crush them from now.
Ibrahim Mahir Mahmoud Mudawwar Muhammed Musannad Al-Harami Badr al-Din