London, Britain – Today, mainstream Muslim organizations learned of several marriages in the Muslim community that the brides were not privy too. The organization that facilitated these weddings – The Defense of Patriarchy, Democracy, Polygamy, and 70 excuses is under fire for their role in tricking at least 20 women.
The president of The Defense of Patriarchy, Democracy, Polygamy, and 70 Excuses, Adeel Amir Bishr Dawood Fadl Jaafar Khairi, responded to the accusations stated that, “it is not our fault that these women were not aware of the partnership they were entering in to. So what if the party room said happy birthday, congratulations on graduating, and get better soon? If the cumulative message behind all of these statements wasn’t you’re getting married, than I don’t know what it is. We also invited multiple women to the party so they should have assumed they were entering into a polygamous marriage – I mean isn’t that always what you should expect when you go to Muslim parties? Moreover, it’s not our fault that our ummah is filled with such stunning amounts of goddamn losers that this has become our last resort to getting them married. That’s more reason why we need the 1 to 4 ratio in Muslim marriages – because even the higher quality losers are few and far between.”
Speaking on the condition of anonymity, one of the women who got married behind her back, stated that “I’m now in a precarious situation, isolated, and alone. When I first saw the man I was apparently wed to, I was horrified. Unfortunately, my attempt to jump out the window and end it all was unsuccessful because the loser I married predicted as much and got us a hotel room on the first floor. Now all I think about is how to get divorced, because I won’t even get much of anything if he dies, save a few oreo cookies, our marriage certificate that I will promptly burn, and his dictators of the Arab world collection of stamps.”
The vice president of The Defense of Patriarchy, Democracy, Polygamy, and 70 Excuses, Asfour Asafeer Dabir Kadir Kaseem Zahid Zakeer Ali Baba Sultan, weighed in, in defense of Khairi, stating that, “there is literally no other way for these men to get married. Moreover, do you really want them going around with mistresses? Aren’t four unknowing brides better than one mistress? And besides, it’s none of your business anyways and the only reason I’m saying this now is because I finally free from the prison cell where I spent time doing mental gymnastics and thinking of ways to make a totally unplausable story plausible (this is where the 70 excuses come to save the day!). I mean, so what if they caught me at the scene, found my DNA all over the furniture with a woman who didn’t know she was my wife? Whose fault is that? I’m sure you’ll agree that it’s obviously the woman’s because they are always wrong because we’re always right. I just hope you help me share my story of victimhood in the form of 1,000 likes and 300 shares because that’s how I’ll know my bullshit excuse of a statement was worth the time.”
The Defense of Patriarchy, Democracy, Polygamy, and 70 Excuses is currently under investigation by the state for their role in deceiving Muslim women. Though they don’t normally care, even this was deemed a stretch to the limits of the Muslim patriarchy.
Another women speaking on the condition of anonymity said that, “Ahead of the state’s response, Muslim women all over the world are collectively thanking the Muslim patriarchy for the next set of bombings that will hit their countries now that the state has decided to save them from these men/trash. But to be honest, a bomb might be more preferable than marrying any of these men. Think about that. Muslim women prefer bombings over Muslim men. Is it the day of judgement yet? I sure hope so.”