Monthly Archives: November 2014

BREAKING NEWS: Muslim American Organization’s Drone Report Reveals Nothing New


In a recent attempt to exponentially shame the community of Muslim researchers, the Muslim American Council for Redundant and Low Quality Research released a report on Monday, titled “Drones as an Instrument of U.S. Foreign Policy.” 

Um Mahmoud Abu Mahmoud Um Hamza, Yemeni citizen, and mother of the report’s author stated that, “I was so proud of my 4th grade son, when I learned of the excellent work he did in producing this report and I’m grateful to the Muslim American Council for Redundant and Low Quality Research for giving him the opportunity to be the lead researcher on this project.  He is now as skilled a researcher as anyone in this organization and I know he is destined to do great things, like writing other reports on well exhausted policy issues that reveal nothing new.”

Abu Hamza, the boy’s father, also expressed pride in his son’s report, stating that, “I’m so grateful to the Muslim American Council of Redundant and Low Quality Research (MACRLQR), for allowing my son to learn the gift of cutting corners.  This will save him a lot of time in his life, and if he works with MACRLQR, his inability to produce anything of quality will, apparently go unnoticed.”


In order to avoid a lengthy discussion of the serious issues pertaining to drones, Hamza, age 9, and report author, requested the placement of the picture above.  “I hope that in reading this report, and in seeing the plethora of unncessary pictures, people reading it will give it serious thought, without noticing a substantial and subsequent drop in their IQs.  This is the only way that, in the future, my reports will be taken seriously.”

Speaking to his fellow fourth graders, Hamza presented letters from families who had members killed by drones, and who expressed gratitude upon hearing about this report.  One mother, according to Hamza, wrote, “I’m really glad that this report settled the score and provided more fodder for the discussion that the legality of drone use is vague.  Even though several of my family members, innocent bystsanders have been killed, I appreciate MACRLQR’s attempt to present an objective approach, especially since all those reports published THREE YEARS ago, made it sound like it was illegal and everything.  I thank MACRLQR’s staff for taking a step back to give the U.S. government more time to kill the rest of my family because man oh man, was it becoming costly to run this household!”

Hamza is now preparing an application to be head of MACLQR’s next research project called, “Wait there’s a place called Guantanamo?”


National Council of Muslims for Somewhat Respectable Research Releases New Evaluation Rubric For Scoring Muslim American Organizational Reports


The National Council of Muslims for Somewhat Respectable Research (NCMSRR), released a new evaluation rubric for evaluating reports published by national Muslim American organizations.

“For too long our community has been unable to produce data on any of the problems plaguing our community.  We hope that this evaluation rubric will help the Muslim American community move from non-existent research to s***t research, said Harb Abu-Harb, President of NCMSRR.  “After all, anything more, would be asking too much,” he said.

Putting out a call to all Muslim American organizations offering pro-bono evaluation services, the group sent out letters with the following rubric by which their reports would be scored:

(1)-You’re getting there, but not really.  Do you know what data collection is?
(2)-This is really starting to go down hill.  Might want to call in the Research National Guard
(3)-Did you really write this without laughing?  Or wait, this must have been a joke, right?
(4)-Retract publication immediately or any future job prospects will be on the line.  Also, consider taking our training course called, “Research by dummies, for dummies:  Experiences from the field.”
(5)-Nothing new.  For real, nothing new.  Why did you waste your time producing a report that contains information revealed about three-five years ago that doesn’t even remotely reach the same quality as other reports?  Please notify your donors immediately about your complete inability to produce anything of substance or we will.

In addition to offering evaluation services, the NCMSRR is also launching a series of pilot courses with the following titles:

1) Sometimes your best isn’t good enough and why should consider a career transition
2) How to make it look like you collected data when you did nothing of the sort
3) How to gloss over your methodology section like it never happened (Mostly because it really never happened and you didn’t collect any data)
4) How to get people to devalue your merit and intelligence in the pursuit of whatever’s left so you can get a job

To sign up for any of these classes, email

For Muslim American organizations wishing to submit reports for review, we ask that you upload documents to our website

Questions or concerns?  Contact Harb Abu-Harb at

BREAKING NEWS: Muslim American Working Group Uncovers Factors Leading to Radicalization


BREAKING NEWS:  In a concerted attempt to draw on existing research on the factors leading to radicalization, the Working Group, Muslim Americans Against Inherent Genetics (MAAIG), released the following diagram to help researchers and others working in the field, discover and combat the root causes of radicalization.

Screen Shot 2014-11-17 at 5.06.36 PM

Despite wide misunderstanding about the causal connections that the group was trying to draw, MAAIG representatives, maintain that this depiction of root causes will help them identify, in as clear a way as possible, how Muslims can best combat their inherent genetics that predispose them to wanton acts of violence.  In addition to the diagram, the MAAIG report lists a number of factors that Muslims in the Mosque as well as government officials should be aware of in determining an individual’s threat to the community.

List of Factors:

  1. Date of Birth
  2. Place of birth
  3. Having a foreign name
  4. Hair Color
  5. Height
  6. Being non-White
  7. Exhibiting the following personality types:  ISTJ, ISTP, ISFJ, ISFP, INFJ, INFP, INTJ, INTP
  8. Wearing cultural clothes or ethnic costumes in public
  9. Asking strange questions about others’ dietary habits
  10. Trying to Make Space in the space that’s been made
  11. Reading, anything
  12. Denying that extremism is a problem affecting 99.9% of the Muslim population
  13. Refusing to socialize with informants
  14. Scheduling one’s sleeping patterns around the five prayers
  15. Using cologne and/or perfume to cover up the smell of sweat
  16. Failing to repeat the following statement, “Islam means life, ISIS means death,” at least 99 times a day
  17. Actually knowing the historical context out of which ISIS evolved
  18. Sitting underneath tables
  19. Writing reports using tertiary data
  20. Eating gelatin from an unspecified source

Officials involved involved in the data analysis process through which these factors were uncovered, said that they used the following equation:  j=1n||zj(β̂ 0+β̂ 1wj)||2=j=1n(z¯j(β̂ 0¯+β̂ 1¯w¯j))(zj(β̂ 0+β̂ 1wj)).

MAAIG officials will be holding a press conference in early December to release their findings of the report titled, “Catch all of us if you can.”

Muslim American organization expresses optimism after the Department of Homeland Security agrees to curtail surveilling, profiling, and detention to a mere 60% of the population


Muslim Americans leaders have expressed optimism in relations with the government after meeting with Secretary of Homeland Security, Jeh Johnson.  Sparked by Johnson’s dedication to working with the Muslim community and agreeing to only surveil Mosques in all the major metropolises in the United States, leaders experienced relief that now their constituents would only have to suspect half the population of being informants.

Speaking to this renewed partnership between the Muslim community and the U.S. government, Durward Bishr Borak, Founder of the National Coalition of Good Muslims (NCGM) stated that, “I can’t tell you excited I am to be working with the government to free up some space in our most crowded mosques.  For too long, our congregants have had to stand during the Friday sermons and pray in the parking lot.  With the government’s help, we hope to entrap as many people as possible so that we can finally avoid the misery of overly crowded prayers.”

NCGM Co-Founder, Butrus Barakah Butrus, stated that, “we couldn’t be more grateful to the government for providing us with the resources and training to create unsafe spaces for our congregants.  I mean, I would hate to be exempt from the history of minority profiling and targeting in the United States and I’m just happy that our government has decided to create a culturally relevant version of the COINTELPRO program.”

This new partnership to counter radicalization and extremism, will be buttressed by the read a book Sundays campaign which seeks to encourage Muslim American leaders to read one piece of scholarly literature each week in order to speak from an actual knowledge base as opposed to speaking from their a***.

“We’re talking about a partnership, countering violent extremism together,” said Borak.  “This is no small feat and I hope our partnership will solidify the notion that all Muslims are genetically disposed to extremism and radicalization.  Without this being our operating premise, we cannot sustain the current atmosphere of bigotry and Islamophobia that makes these partnerships so valuable,” added Borak.

Next month, the National Coalition of Good Muslims will be launching a new toolkit, pending government approval, titled “You’re citizens, but not really:  How to facilitate the process of diminishing citizenships at the Mosque and wherever you find Muslims.”

Son of God Sundays Coming to a Mosque Near You!


The National Coalition of Good Muslims Launches Son of God Sundays Campaign

The National Coalition of Good Muslims (NCGM) is excited to announce the launch of the “Son of God Sundays” (SOGS) campaign.  The goal of this campaign is to get Mosques around the country to host Church services on Sundays and to show the world that Muslims are a tolerant people.

“This effort seeks to prove that we are good Muslims and that we will protect our Christian brethren until the end or until all of the Muslims have been effectively eliminated from the planet,” said lead organizer and President of NCGM Mahmoud Mohammed Mahmoud Mohammed.

Another organizer, Jaafar Alaadin Mohsin, weighed in the on the goal of the SOGS campaign and stated: “We can’t just sit back while our Christian brothers and sisters are getting killed.  The least we can do is show them that they are welcome in our place worship.  We hope that this will be a lesson to the world that we too can put on staged events and callously forget about the wanton slaughter of our people for one nation under God.”

As opposed to the upcoming Friday prayer services to be held this week at the National Cathedral, rather than allowing only 100 guests, the SOGS campaign will be open to the general Christian public.  However congregants signing up for SOGS will be required to bring their own pews with them until the NCGM is able to raise money for portable pews.

“We are hoping that this campaign will really buttress the interfaith movement, and that of course our people don’t erupt into rage upon seeing SOGers showing up at their Mosques for the Sunday prayer,” Mohsin added.

The SOGS campaign is being launched on Friday alongside the Muslim prayers at the National Cathedral.  The NCGM hopes that this effort will bring them one step closer to unattainable Whiteness and Americanness.

“Please heed our call and wish us luck as we embark on this exciting campaign,” Mohammed added. “We will need all the support we can get from the intellectually superior, reformed, and otherwise forward looking good American Muslims.”

Also calling for support for this important campaign, Mohammed stated that “we hope this will be a dramatic moment in the world and in Muslim-Christian relations, because never before have Muslims and Christians lived alongside each other in peace.  This is the first step.”

Unlike Muslims who are expected to condemn and apologize for every act of violence that happens anywhere in the world, Christians attending SOGS will be exempt from this responsibility and treated as individuals.

The first SOGS will take place on Sunday, November 16th, at the ADAMS center in Sterling and will begin at 10 a.m.

Following the “Leaders”: A Letter from Abudeen


Dear Mr. Al-Maryati and Dr. Hathout,

I recently read your piece in the Wall Street Journal titled “Let Islamic Reform Start in America.” My name is Muhammed Ahmed Abdel-Qadar Salahuddin Ali Baba Soltan, and I am a national of Abudeen, the country that the U.S. show Tyrant was based on. I am sure you have heard of my country: it’s a hybrid of two countries, Syria and Iraq, and it is in the midst of upheaval due to a conflict between the son of the former dictator (may he rest in peace), who is a big sleaze, and his enlightened brother from the U.S.

Let me begin by expressing my deepest thanks for this contribution as I am a Muslim living under an authoritarian and despotic regime where I have no hope of voting or much less having a future. If either of you would be willing to sponsor a visa application for me so I can get out of this hell hole that’s riddled with sectarianism (don’t worry, I’m not talking about the kind fueled by your country but the organic kind that has risen out of our inherent irrationality), I would greatly appreciate it. From your well-articulated article, I can see that this might be my only and last resort to becoming a reformed Muslim.

I can’t tell you how thrilled I am to hear that American Muslims are taking the initiative to drag the rest of us Muslims out of our backwardness, barbarism, and our basically wretched existence. I’m not even sure why, given how much of a plague we are to this planet, that the U.S. hasn’t droned all of us. Trust me you’d be doing everyone a favor!

Now on to the issues raised in the article. I have to offer a disclaimer that my English isn’t fluent, and therefore I’m not entirely sure I understood the point of the article. Are you saying you’re trying to create a reverse Muslim Brotherhood with an American flavor for export? If so please let me know as I’m eager to learn. On the note of Islamic reform, I’m really glad that you mentioned some key areas where we could use the assistance of enlightened and intelligent American Muslims given the fact that we are of low intelligence. The rest of us Muslims would appreciate it if you could break things down a little more, so your message can be more widely heeded by the stupid people in our country, which comprises the majority of the population.

I have to say that I would love to learn about good governance and any advice you can give my country about housing off-shore prisons, imprisoning minorities at much higher rates than the dominant majority, and how to best protect religious freedom in jails/prisons after you persecute them based on religion (I know, what a paradox, but a beautiful one at that!). I understand that American Muslims are shielded from these things, as the War on Terror has largely affected White Christians, but I would appreciate any insight nonetheless.

Your work on Muslims in prison is also inspiring especially as it reveals the glory of the American judicial system. I was so thrilled to learn about your intense battle to allow a Muslim inmate to grow a beard in prison because that to me is true freedom. If my country doesn’t allow me to grow facial hair behind bars, then I just don’t see how a mutual future is possible.

I would also love to hear more about how to kill people like a thief in the night, or I don’t know, like a drone in daylight because apparently that doesn’t count as murder-thanks for your tutelage on that! I’d also like to learn more about paid leave for murder, as we it would be wonderful to incorporate that into the benefits that law enforcement officials get for working in our dangerous neighborhoods with those pesky people of color (you know the really bad ones). If this isn’t democracy, I don’t know what is! Thank God your young Black boys are safe in the U.S. as they would surely suffer greatly if they came to our backwards country where the rule of law is practically nonexistent. We also applaud you for alleviating unemployment both by imprisoning everyone and their dad and by giving an extensive network of rich white men the ability to create exponentially more jobs, which only they benefit from through the prison industrial complex.

I was most excited to hear that women in the U.S. get equal pay, have control over their bodies, are immune from sexual violence, are not subject to trafficking and are never targets of state violence. We also applaud you for not charging and incarcerating victims of domestic violence, even when they fire warning shots (which I hear is constitutionally protected- how wonderful!).

I want to specifically comment though on the punishment for theft that our backwards countries continue to utilize. I really do hope that the American Muslim community can find a way to show us the error of our ways. I mean its like everyday I’m bombarded with hands flying in the air. One minute I’m walking down the street and the next minute, I’m getting hit in the face with hands that have been cut off and discarded. Even more troubling is that those with two hands remaining often steal the hands that are now disconnected from their owners in order to complete various household tasks such as raking the leaves and frosting buttercream cakes.

Last, but certainly not least, I applaud you for criticizing Saudi Arabia. Man, oh, man, I never thought anyone was going to catch on to their sneaky ways. Thank God your organization brought this to light-thank you for your crucial investigation here-its like the evidence is practically invisible! Maybe next you can research who actually funds the regime there because it is such a mystery how such a hated regime can still be in power.

Once again I’d like to thank you for leading the way for the global community of Muslim imbeciles. May we all follow-in your path towards Islamic reform and identity sell-out, oops I mean embracing. Please do let me know if I can be a speaker at the next White House Iftar. I will gladly speak about how the work of your organization has made me realize how radical and extreme I have become and how I can shed my identity to de-escalate the threat I pose to the global community.

I’ll be thinking of you both at the next rigged elections.


Muhammed Ahmed Abdel-Qadar Salahuddin Ali Baba Soltan