Following the “Leaders”: A Letter from Abudeen

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Dear Mr. Al-Maryati and Dr. Hathout,

I recently read your piece in the Wall Street Journal titled “Let Islamic Reform Start in America.” My name is Muhammed Ahmed Abdel-Qadar Salahuddin Ali Baba Soltan, and I am a national of Abudeen, the country that the U.S. show Tyrant was based on. I am sure you have heard of my country: it’s a hybrid of two countries, Syria and Iraq, and it is in the midst of upheaval due to a conflict between the son of the former dictator (may he rest in peace), who is a big sleaze, and his enlightened brother from the U.S.

Let me begin by expressing my deepest thanks for this contribution as I am a Muslim living under an authoritarian and despotic regime where I have no hope of voting or much less having a future. If either of you would be willing to sponsor a visa application for me so I can get out of this hell hole that’s riddled with sectarianism (don’t worry, I’m not talking about the kind fueled by your country but the organic kind that has risen out of our inherent irrationality), I would greatly appreciate it. From your well-articulated article, I can see that this might be my only and last resort to becoming a reformed Muslim.

I can’t tell you how thrilled I am to hear that American Muslims are taking the initiative to drag the rest of us Muslims out of our backwardness, barbarism, and our basically wretched existence. I’m not even sure why, given how much of a plague we are to this planet, that the U.S. hasn’t droned all of us. Trust me you’d be doing everyone a favor!

Now on to the issues raised in the article. I have to offer a disclaimer that my English isn’t fluent, and therefore I’m not entirely sure I understood the point of the article. Are you saying you’re trying to create a reverse Muslim Brotherhood with an American flavor for export? If so please let me know as I’m eager to learn. On the note of Islamic reform, I’m really glad that you mentioned some key areas where we could use the assistance of enlightened and intelligent American Muslims given the fact that we are of low intelligence. The rest of us Muslims would appreciate it if you could break things down a little more, so your message can be more widely heeded by the stupid people in our country, which comprises the majority of the population.

I have to say that I would love to learn about good governance and any advice you can give my country about housing off-shore prisons, imprisoning minorities at much higher rates than the dominant majority, and how to best protect religious freedom in jails/prisons after you persecute them based on religion (I know, what a paradox, but a beautiful one at that!). I understand that American Muslims are shielded from these things, as the War on Terror has largely affected White Christians, but I would appreciate any insight nonetheless.

Your work on Muslims in prison is also inspiring especially as it reveals the glory of the American judicial system. I was so thrilled to learn about your intense battle to allow a Muslim inmate to grow a beard in prison because that to me is true freedom. If my country doesn’t allow me to grow facial hair behind bars, then I just don’t see how a mutual future is possible.

I would also love to hear more about how to kill people like a thief in the night, or I don’t know, like a drone in daylight because apparently that doesn’t count as murder-thanks for your tutelage on that! I’d also like to learn more about paid leave for murder, as we it would be wonderful to incorporate that into the benefits that law enforcement officials get for working in our dangerous neighborhoods with those pesky people of color (you know the really bad ones). If this isn’t democracy, I don’t know what is! Thank God your young Black boys are safe in the U.S. as they would surely suffer greatly if they came to our backwards country where the rule of law is practically nonexistent. We also applaud you for alleviating unemployment both by imprisoning everyone and their dad and by giving an extensive network of rich white men the ability to create exponentially more jobs, which only they benefit from through the prison industrial complex.

I was most excited to hear that women in the U.S. get equal pay, have control over their bodies, are immune from sexual violence, are not subject to trafficking and are never targets of state violence. We also applaud you for not charging and incarcerating victims of domestic violence, even when they fire warning shots (which I hear is constitutionally protected- how wonderful!).

I want to specifically comment though on the punishment for theft that our backwards countries continue to utilize. I really do hope that the American Muslim community can find a way to show us the error of our ways. I mean its like everyday I’m bombarded with hands flying in the air. One minute I’m walking down the street and the next minute, I’m getting hit in the face with hands that have been cut off and discarded. Even more troubling is that those with two hands remaining often steal the hands that are now disconnected from their owners in order to complete various household tasks such as raking the leaves and frosting buttercream cakes.

Last, but certainly not least, I applaud you for criticizing Saudi Arabia. Man, oh, man, I never thought anyone was going to catch on to their sneaky ways. Thank God your organization brought this to light-thank you for your crucial investigation here-its like the evidence is practically invisible! Maybe next you can research who actually funds the regime there because it is such a mystery how such a hated regime can still be in power.

Once again I’d like to thank you for leading the way for the global community of Muslim imbeciles. May we all follow-in your path towards Islamic reform and identity sell-out, oops I mean embracing. Please do let me know if I can be a speaker at the next White House Iftar. I will gladly speak about how the work of your organization has made me realize how radical and extreme I have become and how I can shed my identity to de-escalate the threat I pose to the global community.

I’ll be thinking of you both at the next rigged elections.

Sincerely,

Muhammed Ahmed Abdel-Qadar Salahuddin Ali Baba Soltan

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