Monthly Archives: September 2017

Muslim Community in Disbelief Over Completely Believable Scandal


For Immediate Release

Anchorage, AK, September 21st, 2017.  The Muslim Council for the Protection of the Patriarchy (MCPP) is outraged by recent accusations that its president, Akhlaaq Akhlaas Arhab Bahjat Bahlawan Dhul Fiqar Dhulfaqaar, was involved in a cross border trafficking operation that resulted in the death of five Muslim women.  Despite the presence of emails linking him to the trafficker, pictures of the handoff between the trafficker and Dhulfaqaar, the presence of 150 witnesses, an autospy confirming the murders, three kidnapped children discovered in his attic, five unrelated young women in his basement, testimony from the victims’ families, and thirteen restraining orders, it has not been proven beyond an unreasonable doubt that these crimes are linked to him.

Several community advocates and activists who claim the allegations against Dhulfaqaar are false, insisted they hear testimony from the victims, going so far as to arrange a trip to the morgue to interrogate those murdered in order to question them about their silence.  One community activist, Jaafar Sadequee Mohammed Mahmoud Saad Al Din Abudeen Abu Quraysh Zubaydah said, “I can’t believe they are taking this laying down.  After all the damage they’ve done, they have the audacity  to just hang out stone cold and silent.  What will it take for them to speak up publicly?  Dead or alive, I won’t believe these accusations until I hear it from their mouths.”

Dhulfaqaar is taking a leave of absence to calm down the chatter and work on writing his version of what happened which largely involves outing his fellow abusers and victim blaming.  In his preliminary statement, Dhulfaqaar stated that, “These accusations against me are flat out baseless.  So what if they have receipts, text messages, photographs, co-signed lease agreements, hand delivered threats, and dead fish on their doorsteps signed ‘this is a warning from Dhulfaqaar’? If O.J. Simpson can get off scott free because the glove used to commit murder was one size too small, than there is cause to assume I’m innocent too.  Furthermore, I have plead with the victims to come forward and their silence has been deafening (its amazing how quiet it is in the morgue!).  I know the truth will eventually emerge that vindicates me or that at least allows me to assume an unrecognizable life in the Vatican, where I hear a lack of accountability for religious leaders is dogma.”

Commenting on the accusations against Dhulfaqaar, Vice-president of the MCPP Faariq  Farooq Hajjir Hajjaj Huthayfa Inayatullah stated that, “It is so heartbreaking to hear about these vicious allegations against our president has been.  After all these years, he has done everything possible to gain power, while at the same time obscuring his crimes, while also finding the time to seek refuge in the teachings of Islam.  He has taught Muslims that no one is beyond sinning, but that if you, like him, gain enough power, it won’t really matter anyway.  After all, who’s going to believe a silly woman/500 silly women?  If there’s anything I know about my community, its that they will uphold patriarchy to their death and for this I am proud.”

Despite these ridiculous accusations, the MCPP is moving forward with the release of our report titled, “The Art of Gaslighting:  Silencing the Rise of Neo-Feminism and Muslim Women’s Audacity to Speak Up”.  You can download the report at

For more context, our definition of neo-feminism is as follows:
“Neo-feminism is a term meant to articulate the inexplicable empowerment of women stemming from the (false) belief that they are equal to men resulting in consequences such as the belief that their a) testimony matters; b) they will be treated with respect similar to their male colleagues and that c) that accountability for male perpetrators should be pursued.  Neo-feminism rose out of Soros funding aimed at shaping liberal values that Muslims were incapable of developing themselves and results in the entire destruction of the Muslim ummah, obviously.

The MCPP is an organization committed to the patriarchal values that keeps our community strong and safe, assuming you feel safe in attics and/or basements with no hope of leaving for days/weeks/years or hanging out at the mosque for spiritual reprieve in the form of hearing about everything you could have done to stop perpetrator attacks.  If there’s anything we believe, its that men deserve to be innocent until proven guilty and well innocent for actually being guilty too.  The point of patriarchy is to make these silly distinctions between innocence and guilt, irrelevant.  This is the social order that we know and love.  Nothing short of this will bring us closer to Jannah.