In a recent attempt to exponentially shame the community of Muslim researchers, the Muslim American Council for Redundant and Low Quality Research released a report on Monday, titled “Drones as an Instrument of U.S. Foreign Policy.” 

Um Mahmoud Abu Mahmoud Um Hamza, Yemeni citizen, and mother of the report’s author stated that, “I was so proud of my 4th grade son, when I learned of the excellent work he did in producing this report and I’m grateful to the Muslim American Council for Redundant and Low Quality Research for giving him the opportunity to be the lead researcher on this project.  He is now as skilled a researcher as anyone in this organization and I know he is destined to do great things, like writing other reports on well exhausted policy issues that reveal nothing new.”

Abu Hamza, the boy’s father, also expressed pride in his son’s report, stating that, “I’m so grateful to the Muslim American Council of Redundant and Low Quality Research (MACRLQR), for allowing my son to learn the gift of cutting corners.  This will save him a lot of time in his life, and if he works with MACRLQR, his inability to produce anything of quality will, apparently go unnoticed.”

In order to avoid a lengthy discussion of the serious issues pertaining to drones, Hamza, age 9, and report author, requested the placement of the picture above.  “I hope that in reading this report, and in seeing the plethora of unncessary pictures, people reading it will give it serious thought, without noticing a substantial and subsequent drop in their IQs.  This is the only way that, in the future, my reports will be taken seriously.”

Speaking to his fellow fourth graders, Hamza presented letters from families who had members killed by drones, and who expressed gratitude upon hearing about this report.  One mother, according to Hamza, wrote, “I’m really glad that this report settled the score and provided more fodder for the discussion that the legality of drone use is vague.  Even though several of my family members, innocent bystsanders have been killed, I appreciate MACRLQR’s attempt to present an objective approach, especially since all those reports published THREE YEARS ago, made it sound like it was illegal and everything.  I thank MACRLQR’s staff for taking a step back to give the U.S. government more time to kill the rest of my family because man oh man, was it becoming costly to run this household!”

Hamza is now preparing an application to be head of MACLQR’s next research project called, “Wait there’s a place called Guantanamo?”