Dear Friend,
Earlier this week, the United Muslim Council on Institutionalized Access to Inanimate Objects (UMCIAIO) had the opportunity to meet with President Obama at the annual White House Iftar.  It was such an honor to have been invited to this wonderful event with one of the world’s leading war criminals!

In the President’s remarks, he reflected on Muslims’ contributions to the United States and the Global Community.  In this, he mentioned how grateful he was for our acceptance of the CVE paradigm that criminalizes our community; he said that he was inspired by how many leaders would throw their communities under the bus just to be sitting with him tonight.  He also thanked the Association of Muslim Lone Wolves (AMLW) for not pushing the narrative that Muslims acts of violence are discreet and disconnected from the larger group, too aggressively, so that his administration could get away with promoting a global Muslim conspiracy that aims to foster the inherent radical tendencies in the 1.2 billion population.

I personally thanked the President for coming out strong against the murders of three North Carolina students.  I told him our community was indebted to him for acknowledging our right to exist and live until the age of at least 20.  I also thanked him for implementing policies that don’t target Muslims individually, but that target them at large.  This I told him, sends the right message to society, that they should aim big and work to commit as many hate crimes as it takes for the whole community to be terrified.  After all, if that isn’t the collective power of public policy and hate crimes, then I don’t know what is!

Most importantly, me and my team had the distinguished honor of gaining access not only to the White House tables (which incidentally, happened to be those crappy kind from Costco), but also to the White House bathrooms.  Do you know how happy I felt as soon as my butt touched that marble seat?  No immediate words came to my mind, but the sounds that flooded the room (if you know what I mean), gave me an idea of just how excited I really was.  I should note how much of a special honor it was to see that the White House had generously placed a bidet in the toilet and even better, it was shaped to formulate the word Muslim.  I know you’re thinking that it probably took way more time for the water to come out this way, but it was totally worth it!  I mean seeing the word Muslim in the White House?  Now that’s priceless.  I would be remiss if I didn’t include a picture below.  The first one is the outside of the toilet (how beautiful) and the second is the toilet from the inside:

As if the exquisite dinner and bathroom wasn’t enough, we also received party favors including toy drones (to remind us that we could be next) and mini toilets (to remind us of how not to be next).   We also received a frame with the picture below:

Monday, June 22nd was another major win for the Muslim American community.  We have finally achieved what no other minority group in this country has sought to achieve:  Institutionalized access to the White House bathroom.  I know this will carry us far in our quest for equal access to these private spaces, where our shit meets the shit of the administration. This is a powerful union and one made out of the hard work of courageous Muslim leaders who have taught the community that the best way to lead is to not lead and the best way to succeed is to treat your constituency like a herd of cattle (btw, we had beef brisket for dinner).

Thank you for your membership in the UMCIAIO.

Sincerely,
Dabir Dhakir Duqaq Ferraj Farooq Jabalah Jabbar

P.S. Like you, I was also bummed because of the absence of the Israeli ambassador:(.  But don’t worry, the Israeli embassy kindly sent over gift boxes with “their” falafel in it and a map of settlements in the works.  Additionally, they offered a 25% discount offer on settlement properties to MLI participants who fully embrace the Zionist cause.

P.P.S.  There were no protestors this year because those Muslim traitors who organized the one last year, finally recognized our fine achievements in the realm of Muslim American rights, by which I mean writing reports that no one will ever read because they a) suck; b) are irrelevant and untimely; and c) because they are the worst pieces of research this side of the Atlantic.

Dear Friends,
Last week, the Council on Muslim American Engagement With Tables (CMAET) was able to attend the #CVESummit that was called for and hosted by the Obama administration.  At the Summit, CMAET representatives sat next to government officials keen on labeling extremism as a Muslim problem.  At this point you might be thinking, wait isn’t that erroneous?  Well the answer, dear supporters, is no.  That’s why we need your support today-not to dispel the myth of Muslims as terrorists, but to dispel the myth that we don’t want to work to help the government target and surveil our communities.  We have worked too long and too hard to be treated like people that don’t matter on the outside of the White House.  We want to be treated as insignificant actors INSIDE the White House.

Afeef Afif Afzal, President of CMAET, stated that, “we could not be more thrilled about being co-opted into oppressing our own community.  Anyone who knows the history of minority relations in the US, knows that this is a positive step-after all, it means that we have enough power to warrant the government wanting to destroy our communities.  This positive achievement cannot be overstated and I hope you will recognize how hard we have worked to position ourselves as doing the work of government without being in the government or without being respected by the government.”

Farid Faris Furooq, Vice President of CMAET, added, “we were so touched by the President’s speech on the first official day of the summit.  That he thought to distance terrorism from Muslims, was heartwarming.  We would like to respond by telling our dear President that we are not at war with anti-terrorism measures that surveil, target, entrap, and detain our communities, we are at war with Muslim American orgs that try to oppose these measures and we won’t stop this war until, they, like us, understand the potential for career advancement when adopting this approach.”

CMAET attendees also expressed enthusiasm after receiving the following hand written letter on a crumpled up piece of paper below from an undisclosed government official:

Sincerely,
Council on Muslim American Engagement with Tables

Click on http://www.tablesforprogress.org to make a donation.

In a move aimed at reminding people that things could be worse, Thannyros Tobba-Sharabil Tufayl, Chaplain at Islamophobia University USA announced the launch of a new campaign, the Muslim Settlement Initiative (MSI).  Tufayl, head of the campaign, stated that “the MSI was built on the success of the Muslim Leadership Initiative (MLI).  The MLI taught me that Muslims could be easily co-opted for other people’s ‘social justice causes,’ and so I would hate to see this momentum go to waste.  To that end, the MSI seeks to take the MLI one step further, by extending two week trips to lifetime occupation of Palestine.”

The campaign, which will launch on May 15th, 2015, will enable Muslims to purchase settlement homes at discounted rates. For those unable to pay the full amount for the cost of homes, scholarships will be available in exchange for promoting Muslim understandings of the Zionist narrative that members of the larger Muslim community have so clearly misunderstood.

Tufayl Thannyros Tobba-Sharabil, Assistant Chaplain at Islamophobia University USA, stated that “we couldn’t be more excited about the launch of the MSI.  We have even sent Muslim Americans to occupy indigenous reservations around the United States to prepare for their new lives.  There’s really nothing that can quite substitute for direct experience in oppressing others and we are confident that this training will help them succeed in perpetuating injustice while pretending to work for justice while defending injustice, while being perceived as just-something that really takes a lot of getting used to.”

In order to secure their permanent housing and retain their position as part of the “solution,” MSI participants will be required to undertake monthly assessments designed to measure sympathy towards the Zionist cause in addition to beating down Palestinians who show up to document abuses.

MSI Program Coordinator, Waheb Wabu Zeytun also expressed excitement about the program saying that, “since our MSI plans have launched, we have received hundreds of inquiries from ignorant Muslims who have all of a sudden awakened to their role in resolving the conflict in Israel-Palestine. What’s most striking, is that these individuals, who are negligible in really every sector of humanity and who have never even once been involved in this cause, have demonstrated their heart-warming commitment to fostering injustice.”

The first MSI cohort is to be composed of Muslim Americans whose occupations range from policy advocates to circus clowns. Collectively, this group will document their ongoing experiences in pursuing injustice at
http://www.framing-injustice-as-justice-is-no-small-task.org

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

The American Muslim Coalition on Post-Mortem Free Speech is excited to launch its #NoOneIsListeningCampaign on Monday, January 19th, 2015.  The Campaign represents an attempt to promote free speech at all costs, including the entire depletion of the Coalition’s funds to prove what no one will ever accept.  The campaign is also aimed at demonstrating to the world, that the coalition will focus its attention on presenting the #CharlieHebdo attacks in the most basic way possible so that no one will even think about those barbaric MOZLIMS that keep dying in other countries.

The Coalition’s President, Arif Anwar Altair, stated that “we are staunch defenders of free speech and we will continue to defend our position on this, no matter how irrelevant it becomes in the larger conversation.  Further, as coalition president, I support all measures aimed at demonstrating our position as such, including encouraging angry and disgruntled Muslims, to spray paint, ‘I love pork,’ on the outside of our most prominent Mosques.”

Vice President of the Coalition, Altair Anwar Arif, expressed similar sentiments, stating that “we are encouraging members of the Coalition to appear on as many radio shows as possible and to show the world that like the mainstream media, we can reduce complex issues into convenient soundbytes that will successfully alleviate the world’s citizens from actually thinking. We like to think that this is an underutilized method of encouraging free speech and that with enough practice, no one will really say anything intelligent or radical anyway.”

The Coalition’s Chairman was unavailable for comment, having passed away recently in the backlash against Muslims.  Before he passed, however, he was quoted as saying that “this campaign represents a culmination of all of our efforts to combat and perpetuate Islamophobia at the same time-which is no small feat.  Perhaps most emblematic of this campaign and where we arrived at this name for our coalition, is that that we will support free speech to our death, literally.”  To honor the Chairman and his legacy, his family and the coalition insisted that his tombstone, in addition to stating his name and lifespan, include #JeSuisCharlie.

After from a trip to Israel sponsored by the Sharon-Netanyahu-Hartman Foundation, delegates from the Muslim American Council for Participatory Oppression (MACPO) decided to launch a BDS campaign against Palestine.  Full details of the campaign will be released in the coming months and reflects the participants’ desire to reframe the narrative that has disenfranchised Zionist voices in the Israeli-Palestinian debate.

The President of MACPO, Shalom Ahmed Mohammed, expressing great enthusiasm about the newly formed campaign, stated that, “after delegation participants returned from their Zionist funded trip to Israel, they could no longer ignore the oppression that Palestinians have inflicted on Israelis.  Furthermore, despite trying to reason with those pesky terrorists, and in some cases pushing them down stairs, Palestinians demonstrated a complete inability to comprehend how their terroristic behavior was negatively impacting the Israeli psyche, thus forcing them to do things like returning home 15 minutes earlier from the club than they might have otherwise done.  This wanton oppression of Israelis by Palestinians is unacceptable and as MACPO president, I’m committed to ensuring that Palestinians are put in their place once and for all.”

Participants leading the campaign, include many hailed human rights activists who seek to leverage their commitment to justice to the cause of injustice.  As one participant stated, “the only way we can really understand oppression, is to participate in the oppression of others.  I’m grateful to MACPO for opening my eyes to this fact and leading me to pursue a campaign that I might not have otherwise seen the value in.”

Another individual who visited Israel in the delegation and who is leading the campaign in their home state of Illinois stated that, “I’m very hopeful about the impact this project can have.  After all, it has already brought together leading Islamophobes, Zionists, and Muslim ‘human rights’ advocates.  I’m not aware of any other campaign that has successfully brought these individuals together to systematically engage in a comprehensive campaign of oppression.  As they say, none of us is as strong as all of us and I hope this partnership will set the stage for interfaith oppression campaigns-a rarely explored, yet potentially powerful strategy to create unity among those most skilled in making life miserable for people of the global majority.”

The campaign is set to launch in early April and though progress is expected to be slow, the group is hopeful about making life worse for Palestinians and categorically rejecting their claims for any justice measures.  Moreover, the group is expected to initiate a comprehensive strategy for engaging Muslim sell-outs, both domestically and internationally, a strategy that has thus far been entirely successful.

MACPO is also organizing other initiatives such as a government sponsored Muslim delegation to Guantanamo, which seeks among other things to cultivate activists eager to promote the prison as necessary for housing terrorists, otherwise known as Muslims.

Dear Beloved Muslim American Community,
We wanted to take a moment to highlight our position on getting seats at tables.  Before describing our position in words, we thought it best to illustrate with the picture below:

As the picture above demonstrates, many Muslim Americans are making great waves into the getting a seat at the table industry and what’s more, they are also getting fed some tasty bullshit.  We can’t ignore the impact this is having on the policies affecting our people the most, especially when it results in changes such as modifying the flavors of the tasty bullshit.

Now back to our position on seats at the table.  The Muslim American Coalition for Getting Seats at Any Tables (MACGSAT), strongly believes that to secure our seats, we must proactively work with law enforcement and other governmental agencies. While we recognize that some of you have been subject to profiling, police brutality, torture, indefinite detention, etc., we think this a small price to pay for getting that seat.

In sum, our policy is the following:  We will continue to work with law enforcement no matter what.  Like, for real, no matter what.  We need to equip the next generation of members of law enforcement with cultural sensitivity skills, so that anytime they enter a room to kill or torture someone, they take off their shoes first (its also helpful if they learn to communicate with future victims in their native tongue).  Note, that if you disagree with our position and try to criticize us, we will denounce you and your fitna causing ways.

Sincerely,
The Muslim American Coalition for Getting Seats at Any Tables (MACGSAT)

P.S. as this an end of the year email, we are offering a special gift to anyone who donates $50 or more to MACGSAT.  What we are offering is a portable chair with a small side table, which you can find here.   The chair will come in handy when an impromptu meeting with government officials arises and/or when you want to take a seat and watch police brutality and/or torture in action.  The side table is also useful for those times when you can’t find a table to sit at, and/or when you need a piece of furniture to compare the decor inside government buildings to.

The Muslim American Council for Incomprehensible Policy Decisions (MACIPD), is thrilled to announce the launch its new Perp of the Year Award.  Short for perpetrator, this award will honor individuals in the community who have worked hard to make life miserable for Muslims and other people of color.

MACIPD President Dhul Fiqar Misbah Thabit, stated, “the launch of this award could not come at a better time.  While other Muslims are constantly berating government officials for their ‘harsh,’ tactics, we wanted to take a step back and recognize their keen ability to identify the troublemakers in our community.  We recognize that this is not an easy job when you’re looking for a needle in a mosque, which is really composed of other equally dangerous needles.  We want to honor the individuals that make life for White Americans better.”

The nominees for this year’s Perp of the Year award included representatives from the CIA, DOJ, the NYPD, and the LAPD.

Speaking to the challenge of making the decision on who would receive the inaugural Perp of the Year award, Vice-President of MACIPD, Naji Najir Najjar, commented that, “this one of the most difficult decisions I’ve had to make in my career thus far.  I mean, there are so many ongoing human rights issues in the country, and we want to make sure that our award adds as much insult to injury as possible.  In light of current events, a police chief was our best option and demonstrates to the community, that well, we don’t really give a damn about their well-being.”

Other members of the award convening board were unavailable for comment as they were outside taping another instance of police brutality.  However, one board member, who preferred to remain anonymous made it clear that witnessing this abuse would not have an effect on the decision to give the award to the NYPD police chief.

In addition to winning this prestigious award, the awardee will be given $10,000 to donate to a legal fund for a fellow perpetrator. As this year’s awardee, the NYPD’s police chief stated, “we must stand in solidarity with our fellow perpetrators and we hope you will too. We thank the MACIPD for finally realizing our contributions to society and our genuine desire to make life worse for the global majority.  This means a lot to me and I am now confident in continuing this work because I have received the green light from MACIPD.”

After the award Ceremony, Thabit, president of MACIPD, was unavailable for comment as he was profiled and detained, for, well, being a Muslim.  Oh yeah, and for trying to sell a piece of gum on the street after robbing a lemonade stand.

A new job placement service was recently launched by the Muslim American Council for Irrelevant Expertise (MACIE).  The goal of the job service is to place Muslim Americans in fields where they have absolutely no expertise.

President of MACIE, Aladdin AbdulGhafer AbdulHaq AbuGhani Soltan, stated that, “For too long, Muslim Americans have been occupying positions in professions where they have no expertise without the tutelage that they need to fail while appearing to succeed.  Our new service will provide Muslim Americans with the services to not only enter professions in which they have no expertise, but to also excel in making the larger community believe they are qualified to perform their role.”

So far MACIE, has succeeded in placing the following individuals in positions where they have no expertise:
1) Fawwaz Amir Amjad, an engineer by training, has recently obtained a residency in the Pediatric department at the University of Abudeen.
2) Fadi Fakhir Fakih, an orthopedic surgeon, has recently been placed in an organization named the Making Things Worse for Muslim Americans Council, where he is the New National Security Policy Director.
3) Habib Habbab Haddad, a Biochemist by training and education, is currently the Legislative Analyst at the Muslim American Council for Low Quality Policy Analysis.

Amjad, one of the job services’ first clients, expressed gratitude to MACIE, saying that, “I’m so grateful for the services that MACIE provided.  Without their help, I might have actually had to get appropriate training for my current work as a medical doctor.  Now, I practice medicine freely at the University of Abudeen and to top everything off, MACIE has agreed to pay for my malpractice insurance.”

The job placement services that MACIE offers are free of charge and unlike other job placement services, the application/registration procedures invites applicants to consider what professions they would like to pursue rather than stating what fields of expertise they have backgrounds in.

In this vein, Ilyas Iyad Lablab, Vice President MACIE, stated that, “we want our prospective clients to realize that the sky is the limit.  And it truly is with our services when you don’t have to have the relevant expertise to pursue the job/field of your dreams.  Despite the fact that our services have led to a few casualties (I can’t discuss the details as we are currently under investigation), we are confident that we can continue to provide Muslim Americans with the services they need to excel in positions where they don’t know shit.  This will enable them to communicate more easily with the broader community of their Muslim American peer impostors.”

Those interested in obtaining MACIE’s job placement services should visit the website, http://www.yourbackgrounddoesntmatter.com.

Earlier this week, the Muslim American Council for What the Hell is a Counternarrative (MACWHC), released a guide called, “Writing narratives to counter the narratives that have been countered.”  The group published this report in part, to dispel the myth that all Muslims are terrorists and basically everything else that Muslims are accused of being.

Abdul Malik Hosni Mohammed Ahmed, President of the MACWHC summarized the guide, saying that, “we hope this guide will help Muslims in our community come up with narratives that are inorganic in nature and simply respond to the persistent claims that we are all terrorists.  I can’t think of any better use of our time than to constantly engage in the countering of this narrative.  I also hope this guide will help Muslims learn the artful skill of exotifying their lives, that are otherwise, extremely and painfully boring.”

The guide provides specific instructions on how to create narratives, which including the following suggestions:
1) Counter everything, just do it.
2) Don’t be critical.  For example, don’t question the importance of serious issues such as Muslim Americans joining ISIS at a rate equivalent to .000000000025 of the population.
3) Use flowery language that makes even a trip to the bathroom sound exciting by virtue of you being Muslim
4) Learn the skill of countering the narrative that has been countered-this will allow both sell-outs and original proponents of the dominant narrative to be extremely confused.
5) Don’t ever challenge the dominant narrative, just counter it.  This will not only get government officials to love you, it will also ensure longevity in employment.
6) Only associate with like minded counternarrative creators.  This will ensure that you stick to the storyline and don’t deviate an inch away from the rehearsed line of bullshit that’s mandatory to include.

Ahmed, is also encouraging those in the business of countering the narratives that have been countered, to participate in the Islamophobia industry, so that they can continue making a career of countering negative narratives.  To that end he stated, “we need more Muslims involved in generating fear of our community and solidifying the notion that we should all be held collectively responsible. Without this work, organizations such as ours cannot continue to thrive.  And trust me, we’re not in it to win it, we’re in it to make a career.”

Ahmed concluded that, “I urge all Muslims to read this guide.  Whether you are committed to making our problems worse or pretending to work in a positive role that also makes our problems worse, this guide will help.  We are ultimately seeking to ensure that our community is able to provide an incoherent narrative that provides a constant balance of fear and suspicion. This is our niche work and our contribution to the capacity building of Muslim institutions.”

At the time of writing this article, Jabar Omar Qaddous Jibreel, Vice President of MACWHC, said he was busy writing a narrative to counter the narrative that has been countered.  He said, “I don’t really know what it means to write a narrative that counters the narrative that has been countered, but since the work of Muslim organizations sucks anyway, this piece of shit will fall through the cracks (though it might come out of the sewer).”

The guide can be accessed by visiting http://www.counternarrativesasaninstrumentofoppression.com.

In a recent attempt to exponentially shame the community of Muslim researchers, the Muslim American Council for Redundant and Low Quality Research released a report on Monday, titled “Drones as an Instrument of U.S. Foreign Policy.” 

Um Mahmoud Abu Mahmoud Um Hamza, Yemeni citizen, and mother of the report’s author stated that, “I was so proud of my 4th grade son, when I learned of the excellent work he did in producing this report and I’m grateful to the Muslim American Council for Redundant and Low Quality Research for giving him the opportunity to be the lead researcher on this project.  He is now as skilled a researcher as anyone in this organization and I know he is destined to do great things, like writing other reports on well exhausted policy issues that reveal nothing new.”

Abu Hamza, the boy’s father, also expressed pride in his son’s report, stating that, “I’m so grateful to the Muslim American Council of Redundant and Low Quality Research (MACRLQR), for allowing my son to learn the gift of cutting corners.  This will save him a lot of time in his life, and if he works with MACRLQR, his inability to produce anything of quality will, apparently go unnoticed.”

In order to avoid a lengthy discussion of the serious issues pertaining to drones, Hamza, age 9, and report author, requested the placement of the picture above.  “I hope that in reading this report, and in seeing the plethora of unncessary pictures, people reading it will give it serious thought, without noticing a substantial and subsequent drop in their IQs.  This is the only way that, in the future, my reports will be taken seriously.”

Speaking to his fellow fourth graders, Hamza presented letters from families who had members killed by drones, and who expressed gratitude upon hearing about this report.  One mother, according to Hamza, wrote, “I’m really glad that this report settled the score and provided more fodder for the discussion that the legality of drone use is vague.  Even though several of my family members, innocent bystsanders have been killed, I appreciate MACRLQR’s attempt to present an objective approach, especially since all those reports published THREE YEARS ago, made it sound like it was illegal and everything.  I thank MACRLQR’s staff for taking a step back to give the U.S. government more time to kill the rest of my family because man oh man, was it becoming costly to run this household!”

Hamza is now preparing an application to be head of MACLQR’s next research project called, “Wait there’s a place called Guantanamo?”