A Seat at the Table Never Tasted so Good: An Open Letter

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Dear Beloved Muslim American Community,
We wanted to take a moment to highlight our position on getting seats at tables.  Before describing our position in words, we thought it best to illustrate with the picture below:

seat at the table

As the picture above demonstrates, many Muslim Americans are making great waves into the getting a seat at the table industry and what’s more, they are also getting fed some tasty bullshit.  We can’t ignore the impact this is having on the policies affecting our people the most, especially when it results in changes such as modifying the flavors of the tasty bullshit.

Now back to our position on seats at the table.  The Muslim American Coalition for Getting Seats at Any Tables (MACGSAT), strongly believes that to secure our seats, we must proactively work with law enforcement and other governmental agencies. While we recognize that some of you have been subject to profiling, police brutality, torture, indefinite detention, etc., we think this a small price to pay for getting that seat.

In sum, our policy is the following:  We will continue to work with law enforcement no matter what.  Like, for real, no matter what.  We need to equip the next generation of members of law enforcement with cultural sensitivity skills, so that anytime they enter a room to kill or torture someone, they take off their shoes first (its also helpful if they learn to communicate with future victims in their native tongue).  Note, that if you disagree with our position and try to criticize us, we will denounce you and your fitna causing ways.

Sincerely,
The Muslim American Coalition for Getting Seats at Any Tables (MACGSAT)

P.S. as this an end of the year email, we are offering a special gift to anyone who donates $50 or more to MACGSAT.  What we are offering is a portable chair with a small side table, which you can find here.   The chair will come in handy when an impromptu meeting with government officials arises and/or when you want to take a seat and watch police brutality and/or torture in action.  The side table is also useful for those times when you can’t find a table to sit at, and/or when you need a piece of furniture to compare the decor inside government buildings to.

 

 

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Muslim American Organization Launches Perp of the Year Award in Support of Police Brutality, Profiling, and Torture

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The Muslim American Council for Incomprehensible Policy Decisions (MACIPD), is thrilled to announce the launch its new Perp of the Year Award.  Short for perpetrator, this award will honor individuals in the community who have worked hard to make life miserable for Muslims and other people of color.

MACIPD President Dhul Fiqar Misbah Thabit, stated, “the launch of this award could not come at a better time.  While other Muslims are constantly berating government officials for their ‘harsh,’ tactics, we wanted to take a step back and recognize their keen ability to identify the troublemakers in our community.  We recognize that this is not an easy job when you’re looking for a needle in a mosque, which is really composed of other equally dangerous needles.  We want to honor the individuals that make life for White Americans better.”

The nominees for this year’s Perp of the Year award included representatives from the CIA, DOJ, the NYPD, and the LAPD.

Speaking to the challenge of making the decision on who would receive the inaugural Perp of the Year award, Vice-President of MACIPD, Naji Najir Najjar, commented that, “this one of the most difficult decisions I’ve had to make in my career thus far.  I mean, there are so many ongoing human rights issues in the country, and we want to make sure that our award adds as much insult to injury as possible.  In light of current events, a police chief was our best option and demonstrates to the community, that well, we don’t really give a damn about their well-being.”

Other members of the award convening board were unavailable for comment as they were outside taping another instance of police brutality.  However, one board member, who preferred to remain anonymous made it clear that witnessing this abuse would not have an effect on the decision to give the award to the NYPD police chief.

In addition to winning this prestigious award, the awardee will be given $10,000 to donate to a legal fund for a fellow perpetrator. As this year’s awardee, the NYPD’s police chief stated, “we must stand in solidarity with our fellow perpetrators and we hope you will too. We thank the MACIPD for finally realizing our contributions to society and our genuine desire to make life worse for the global majority.  This means a lot to me and I am now confident in continuing this work because I have received the green light from MACIPD.”

After the award Ceremony, Thabit, president of MACIPD, was unavailable for comment as he was profiled and detained, for, well, being a Muslim.  Oh yeah, and for trying to sell a piece of gum on the street after robbing a lemonade stand.

New Job Service Helps Place Muslim Americans in Fields Where they have no Expertise

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A new job placement service was recently launched by the Muslim American Council for Irrelevant Expertise (MACIE).  The goal of the job service is to place Muslim Americans in fields where they have absolutely no expertise.

President of MACIE, Aladdin AbdulGhafer AbdulHaq AbuGhani Soltan, stated that, “For too long, Muslim Americans have been occupying positions in professions where they have no expertise without the tutelage that they need to fail while appearing to succeed.  Our new service will provide Muslim Americans with the services to not only enter professions in which they have no expertise, but to also excel in making the larger community believe they are qualified to perform their role.”

So far MACIE, has succeeded in placing the following individuals in positions where they have no expertise:
1) Fawwaz Amir Amjad, an engineer by training, has recently obtained a residency in the Pediatric department at the University of Abudeen.
2) Fadi Fakhir Fakih, an orthopedic surgeon, has recently been placed in an organization named the Making Things Worse for Muslim Americans Council, where he is the New National Security Policy Director.
3) Habib Habbab Haddad, a Biochemist by training and education, is currently the Legislative Analyst at the Muslim American Council for Low Quality Policy Analysis.

Amjad, one of the job services’ first clients, expressed gratitude to MACIE, saying that, “I’m so grateful for the services that MACIE provided.  Without their help, I might have actually had to get appropriate training for my current work as a medical doctor.  Now, I practice medicine freely at the University of Abudeen and to top everything off, MACIE has agreed to pay for my malpractice insurance.”

The job placement services that MACIE offers are free of charge and unlike other job placement services, the application/registration procedures invites applicants to consider what professions they would like to pursue rather than stating what fields of expertise they have backgrounds in.

In this vein, Ilyas Iyad Lablab, Vice President MACIE, stated that, “we want our prospective clients to realize that the sky is the limit.  And it truly is with our services when you don’t have to have the relevant expertise to pursue the job/field of your dreams.  Despite the fact that our services have led to a few casualties (I can’t discuss the details as we are currently under investigation), we are confident that we can continue to provide Muslim Americans with the services they need to excel in positions where they don’t know shit.  This will enable them to communicate more easily with the broader community of their Muslim American peer impostors.”

Those interested in obtaining MACIE’s job placement services should visit the website, http://www.yourbackgrounddoesntmatter.com.

New Guide: “Writing Narratives to Counter the Narratives that have been Countered”

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Earlier this week, the Muslim American Council for What the Hell is a Counternarrative (MACWHC), released a guide called, “Writing narratives to counter the narratives that have been countered.”  The group published this report in part, to dispel the myth that all Muslims are terrorists and basically everything else that Muslims are accused of being.

Abdul Malik Hosni Mohammed Ahmed, President of the MACWHC summarized the guide, saying that, “we hope this guide will help Muslims in our community come up with narratives that are inorganic in nature and simply respond to the persistent claims that we are all terrorists.  I can’t think of any better use of our time than to constantly engage in the countering of this narrative.  I also hope this guide will help Muslims learn the artful skill of exotifying their lives, that are otherwise, extremely and painfully boring.”

The guide provides specific instructions on how to create narratives, which including the following suggestions:
1) Counter everything, just do it.
2) Don’t be critical.  For example, don’t question the importance of serious issues such as Muslim Americans joining ISIS at a rate equivalent to .000000000025 of the population.
3) Use flowery language that makes even a trip to the bathroom sound exciting by virtue of you being Muslim
4) Learn the skill of countering the narrative that has been countered-this will allow both sell-outs and original proponents of the dominant narrative to be extremely confused.
5) Don’t ever challenge the dominant narrative, just counter it.  This will not only get government officials to love you, it will also ensure longevity in employment.
6) Only associate with like minded counternarrative creators.  This will ensure that you stick to the storyline and don’t deviate an inch away from the rehearsed line of bullshit that’s mandatory to include.

Ahmed, is also encouraging those in the business of countering the narratives that have been countered, to participate in the Islamophobia industry, so that they can continue making a career of countering negative narratives.  To that end he stated, “we need more Muslims involved in generating fear of our community and solidifying the notion that we should all be held collectively responsible. Without this work, organizations such as ours cannot continue to thrive.  And trust me, we’re not in it to win it, we’re in it to make a career.”

Ahmed concluded that, “I urge all Muslims to read this guide.  Whether you are committed to making our problems worse or pretending to work in a positive role that also makes our problems worse, this guide will help.  We are ultimately seeking to ensure that our community is able to provide an incoherent narrative that provides a constant balance of fear and suspicion. This is our niche work and our contribution to the capacity building of Muslim institutions.”

At the time of writing this article, Jabar Omar Qaddous Jibreel, Vice President of MACWHC, said he was busy writing a narrative to counter the narrative that has been countered.  He said, “I don’t really know what it means to write a narrative that counters the narrative that has been countered, but since the work of Muslim organizations sucks anyway, this piece of shit will fall through the cracks (though it might come out of the sewer).”

The guide can be accessed by visiting http://www.counternarrativesasaninstrumentofoppression.com.

 

BREAKING NEWS: Muslim American Organization’s Drone Report Reveals Nothing New

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In a recent attempt to exponentially shame the community of Muslim researchers, the Muslim American Council for Redundant and Low Quality Research released a report on Monday, titled “Drones as an Instrument of U.S. Foreign Policy.” 

Um Mahmoud Abu Mahmoud Um Hamza, Yemeni citizen, and mother of the report’s author stated that, “I was so proud of my 4th grade son, when I learned of the excellent work he did in producing this report and I’m grateful to the Muslim American Council for Redundant and Low Quality Research for giving him the opportunity to be the lead researcher on this project.  He is now as skilled a researcher as anyone in this organization and I know he is destined to do great things, like writing other reports on well exhausted policy issues that reveal nothing new.”

Abu Hamza, the boy’s father, also expressed pride in his son’s report, stating that, “I’m so grateful to the Muslim American Council of Redundant and Low Quality Research (MACRLQR), for allowing my son to learn the gift of cutting corners.  This will save him a lot of time in his life, and if he works with MACRLQR, his inability to produce anything of quality will, apparently go unnoticed.”

drones

In order to avoid a lengthy discussion of the serious issues pertaining to drones, Hamza, age 9, and report author, requested the placement of the picture above.  “I hope that in reading this report, and in seeing the plethora of unncessary pictures, people reading it will give it serious thought, without noticing a substantial and subsequent drop in their IQs.  This is the only way that, in the future, my reports will be taken seriously.”

Speaking to his fellow fourth graders, Hamza presented letters from families who had members killed by drones, and who expressed gratitude upon hearing about this report.  One mother, according to Hamza, wrote, “I’m really glad that this report settled the score and provided more fodder for the discussion that the legality of drone use is vague.  Even though several of my family members, innocent bystsanders have been killed, I appreciate MACRLQR’s attempt to present an objective approach, especially since all those reports published THREE YEARS ago, made it sound like it was illegal and everything.  I thank MACRLQR’s staff for taking a step back to give the U.S. government more time to kill the rest of my family because man oh man, was it becoming costly to run this household!”

Hamza is now preparing an application to be head of MACLQR’s next research project called, “Wait there’s a place called Guantanamo?”

National Council of Muslims for Somewhat Respectable Research Releases New Evaluation Rubric For Scoring Muslim American Organizational Reports

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The National Council of Muslims for Somewhat Respectable Research (NCMSRR), released a new evaluation rubric for evaluating reports published by national Muslim American organizations.

“For too long our community has been unable to produce data on any of the problems plaguing our community.  We hope that this evaluation rubric will help the Muslim American community move from non-existent research to s***t research, said Harb Abu-Harb, President of NCMSRR.  “After all, anything more, would be asking too much,” he said.

Putting out a call to all Muslim American organizations offering pro-bono evaluation services, the group sent out letters with the following rubric by which their reports would be scored:

(1)-You’re getting there, but not really.  Do you know what data collection is?
(2)-This is really starting to go down hill.  Might want to call in the Research National Guard
(3)-Did you really write this without laughing?  Or wait, this must have been a joke, right?
(4)-Retract publication immediately or any future job prospects will be on the line.  Also, consider taking our training course called, “Research by dummies, for dummies:  Experiences from the field.”
(5)-Nothing new.  For real, nothing new.  Why did you waste your time producing a report that contains information revealed about three-five years ago that doesn’t even remotely reach the same quality as other reports?  Please notify your donors immediately about your complete inability to produce anything of substance or we will.

In addition to offering evaluation services, the NCMSRR is also launching a series of pilot courses with the following titles:

1) Sometimes your best isn’t good enough and why should consider a career transition
2) How to make it look like you collected data when you did nothing of the sort
3) How to gloss over your methodology section like it never happened (Mostly because it really never happened and you didn’t collect any data)
4) How to get people to devalue your merit and intelligence in the pursuit of whatever’s left so you can get a job

To sign up for any of these classes, email sometimescareertransitionsarenecessary@gmail.com

For Muslim American organizations wishing to submit reports for review, we ask that you upload documents to our website http://www.filterforshit.com.

Questions or concerns?  Contact Harb Abu-Harb at theresnohopeformuslimresearchers@gmail.com

BREAKING NEWS: Muslim American Working Group Uncovers Factors Leading to Radicalization

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BREAKING NEWS:  In a concerted attempt to draw on existing research on the factors leading to radicalization, the Working Group, Muslim Americans Against Inherent Genetics (MAAIG), released the following diagram to help researchers and others working in the field, discover and combat the root causes of radicalization.

Screen Shot 2014-11-17 at 5.06.36 PM

Despite wide misunderstanding about the causal connections that the group was trying to draw, MAAIG representatives, maintain that this depiction of root causes will help them identify, in as clear a way as possible, how Muslims can best combat their inherent genetics that predispose them to wanton acts of violence.  In addition to the diagram, the MAAIG report lists a number of factors that Muslims in the Mosque as well as government officials should be aware of in determining an individual’s threat to the community.

List of Factors:

  1. Date of Birth
  2. Place of birth
  3. Having a foreign name
  4. Hair Color
  5. Height
  6. Being non-White
  7. Exhibiting the following personality types:  ISTJ, ISTP, ISFJ, ISFP, INFJ, INFP, INTJ, INTP
  8. Wearing cultural clothes or ethnic costumes in public
  9. Asking strange questions about others’ dietary habits
  10. Trying to Make Space in the space that’s been made
  11. Reading, anything
  12. Denying that extremism is a problem affecting 99.9% of the Muslim population
  13. Refusing to socialize with informants
  14. Scheduling one’s sleeping patterns around the five prayers
  15. Using cologne and/or perfume to cover up the smell of sweat
  16. Failing to repeat the following statement, “Islam means life, ISIS means death,” at least 99 times a day
  17. Actually knowing the historical context out of which ISIS evolved
  18. Sitting underneath tables
  19. Writing reports using tertiary data
  20. Eating gelatin from an unspecified source

Officials involved involved in the data analysis process through which these factors were uncovered, said that they used the following equation:  j=1n||zj(β̂ 0+β̂ 1wj)||2=j=1n(z¯j(β̂ 0¯+β̂ 1¯w¯j))(zj(β̂ 0+β̂ 1wj)).

MAAIG officials will be holding a press conference in early December to release their findings of the report titled, “Catch all of us if you can.”