Muslim Victims of US War on Terror Reflect on Upcoming Presidential Elections


In response to this article arguing that Muslims should vote for Hillary or be responsible for their own demise, the Muslim Bureau of Low Quality Investigative Reporting recently interviewed Muslim victims of the War on Terror to gather their perspectives on the upcoming elections.

“I’m excited about the possibility staying at Guantanamo Bay, the country’s exclusive Muslim prison, even longer than I thought.  If Trump gets elected, I’ll never leave and if Hillary gets elected, I’ll be imprisoned for life.  You can’t imagine how different it feels to think about being detained undefinitely versus indefinitely.   Regardless of who becomes president next, I just hope the food gets better and that eventually my Muslim American brethren will join me down here.  I’m sure that either candidate will gladly make that happen and for this, I am grateful.”
~Ahmed Mohamed Luqman Ali Baba Sultan, Guantanamo Bay Prisoner #64

“There’s nothing more beautiful than the sounds of drones flying above my house at daybreak and it breaks my heart to think that this could one day end.  I also don’t understand all this talk about collateral damage; in my part of the world, we call it population control and the United States could not be more helpful in this regard.  I’m extremely optimistic about the American choices for President because I can pretty much guarantee that no matter who wins, that drones will prevail and that our inability to feel safe at any moment in time will be maintained.”
~Saeed Said Sayed Mahmoud Abu Mahmoud, Yemeni Citizen

“We’ve built a strong Muslim community here in Little Gitmo and I can’t thank the architects of the War on Terror enough for helping us facilitate this.  Now that we are poised to get a new President, I’m looking forward to being transferred to another illegally built prison without notice of any wrongdoing so I can do more networking.  I’m also looking forward to being sent to a private prison because I hear they are really nice!  I hope that Clinton and Trump will both commit to getting rid of the “balancers” in the prison now, because its so inconvenient having all these non-Muslims around.  How am I supposed to feel special when non-Muslims are getting the same treatment as I am?  I’m optimistic that both Trump and Clinton will strive hard to make sure the prison industrial complex is perpetuated and that I can continue to call these prisons my home.  After all, all these politicians are really trying to do is to solve the homelessness problem for minorities.  We should have enough gratitude to commend them for this.”
~Aabid Aqil Aqid Afraz Aiman Akbar Rahman, Communications Management Unit Prisoner #43

“I love it when American soldiers bring us gifts during Christmas time because it almost erases the fact that the U.S. government has killed half my family and pretty much  destroyed my whole country.  The troops have been in Iraq for so long that it would be hard to see them go and I’m glad I don’t even have to imagine this happening under Trump or Clinton.  And now with the revelation that the government has paid to have fake videos made of terrorist groups, I’m confident and relieved that the troops will stay even longer.  I’m glad that neither Trump nor Clinton poses a threat to the possibility of troops leaving Iraq as I really believe that America’s moral superiority will continue to save us the way it has for the last 13 years.”
~Arbaab Arbaz Arslan Arshad Asad Asghar Akbar Ayuub, Iraqi Citizen

Muslim American Organization to Condemn Something Tonight


December 3rd, 2015

For Immediate Release:

The Muslim American Collective for Collective Responsibility and Demonization (MACCRD), announced earlier this morning, that they would be holding a press conference later tonight to condemn something related to something one of the 1.2 billion members of the community did.  Possible scenarios that are being considered for condemnation, include for example, switching turkey breast for chicken breast in a sandwich in the local cafeteria, without notifying law enforcement authorities and preemptively crossing the street before the walk light came on.

President of the MACCRD, Samad Samah Salman Samahali-Yane Sheba Shamas Shareef, stated that, “We want to be clear that we pretty much condemn everything Muslims do.  I mean, why we try to act like normal human beings is beyond me.  And even when we do, that deserves condemnation too.  I hope that through our efforts to hold 1.2 billion people collectively responsible, Muslims will think twice about, well, doing anything.”

Vice-President of the MACCRD, Urtaal Usama  Wahaba IL-Yahat Latif Lukman Mahfuz Makram added, “as a Muslim myself, I can’t sit idly by while my community continues to be a plague on this universe.  I can’t think of one thing we do that doesn’t end in disaster.  That’s why the media is right to hold us accountable; I mean its not like anyone else on the planet is wreaking havoc.  So what if a few White Christian men decide to go on a shooting rampage?  They have mental health issues, but what’s our excuse?  After all, there is no medication that can cure us of our genetic predisposition to commit crime.  And it is our predisposition to perpetrate violence that drives White men out of control and into a life of crime.”

The MACCRD plans to hold a press conference at 9pm EST, which will allow for them to account for the worst thing that Muslims did today; a task their Board Chair stated, was “almost impossible” to decide on.  The conference will consist of 13-17 ineloquent and unqualified Muslim Americans speaking, in order to highlight the point that this community also just sucks at everything.



Muslim American Organization Demands Clarity on Clear Statement


The Muslim American Council on Clarifying Clear Statements (MACCCS) is demanding answers after presidential nominee Ted Jackovitch stated in his latest speech that he “hates Muslims and wants them to die.”  Referring to Jackovitch’s statement, ACCCS responded saying, “it is unclear what he meant by this statement.  Does he mean vitriol, contempt, despise, or abhor?  And does he mean death as in fatal?  These answers are critical in our understanding of his seemingly apparent dislike of our community.”

President of the MACCCS, AbdulMunir Ghafar Sultan Qaboos Muhsen Jaffar Fakhara Khara, who at the time of the Jackovitch’s speech was studying for his upcoming GRE exam, stated that, “it’s really hard to compile a catalogue of groups that loathe Muslims when they are so subtle about it.  I wish they could be more explicit about their hatred so we know where we stand.”

Jackovitch’s PR team, receiving a MACCCS press release in advance of the public release, responded stating that, Jackovitch has repeatedly clarified his hatred for Muslims.  According to his team, he stated that, “I want it to be clear that I hate Muslims.  Like I really hate them.  And now, because of their inability to understand my obvious hatred, I hate them even more.  What else can I do to show them how much I hate them?  Unfortunately, I think the only other way will be to commit nationwide hate crimes, which like everything else they don’t understand will also be misunderstood as something that happened because their mosque open house started late.  For the sake of clarity once more, let me say, I hate you all again and I hate you when I see you at the library, the grocery store, restaurants and/or any other place where it is clear that you are still alive and breathing.”

In response to Jackovitch’s statement, the MACCCS released an election guide titled, How to Know When a Prospective Presidential Candidate Hates Muslims: A Guide to Understanding Things That Shouldn’t Actually Need an Explanation.  The goal of the manual is to clarify the clarity of the clear statements that do not need clarification but still get clarified.  The guide can be downloaded at

President Obama Guarantees Muslim Americans Institutionalized Access to the White House Bathroom


Dear Friend,
Earlier this week, the United Muslim Council on Institutionalized Access to Inanimate Objects (UMCIAIO) had the opportunity to meet with President Obama at the annual White House Iftar.  It was such an honor to have been invited to this wonderful event with one of the world’s leading war criminals!

In the President’s remarks, he reflected on Muslims’ contributions to the United States and the Global Community.  In this, he mentioned how grateful he was for our acceptance of the CVE paradigm that criminalizes our community; he said that he was inspired by how many leaders would throw their communities under the bus just to be sitting with him tonight.  He also thanked the Association of Muslim Lone Wolves (AMLW) for not pushing the narrative that Muslims acts of violence are discreet and disconnected from the larger group, too aggressively, so that his administration could get away with promoting a global Muslim conspiracy that aims to foster the inherent radical tendencies in the 1.2 billion population.

I personally thanked the President for coming out strong against the murders of three North Carolina students.  I told him our community was indebted to him for acknowledging our right to exist and live until the age of at least 20.  I also thanked him for implementing policies that don’t target Muslims individually, but that target them at large.  This I told him, sends the right message to society, that they should aim big and work to commit as many hate crimes as it takes for the whole community to be terrified.  After all, if that isn’t the collective power of public policy and hate crimes, then I don’t know what is!

Most importantly, me and my team had the distinguished honor of gaining access not only to the White House tables (which incidentally, happened to be those crappy kind from Costco), but also to the White House bathrooms.  Do you know how happy I felt as soon as my butt touched that marble seat?  No immediate words came to my mind, but the sounds that flooded the room (if you know what I mean), gave me an idea of just how excited I really was.  I should note how much of a special honor it was to see that the White House had generously placed a bidet in the toilet and even better, it was shaped to formulate the word Muslim.  I know you’re thinking that it probably took way more time for the water to come out this way, but it was totally worth it!  I mean seeing the word Muslim in the White House?  Now that’s priceless.  I would be remiss if I didn’t include a picture below.  The first one is the outside of the toilet (how beautiful) and the second is the toilet from the inside:

Toilet-gold-plated            Screen Shot 2015-06-25 at 11.46.59 AM

As if the exquisite dinner and bathroom wasn’t enough, we also received party favors including toy drones (to remind us that we could be next) and mini toilets (to remind us of how not to be next).   We also received a frame with the picture below:

Drone Biggest

Monday, June 22nd was another major win for the Muslim American community.  We have finally achieved what no other minority group in this country has sought to achieve:  Institutionalized access to the White House bathroom.  I know this will carry us far in our quest for equal access to these private spaces, where our shit meets the shit of the administration. This is a powerful union and one made out of the hard work of courageous Muslim leaders who have taught the community that the best way to lead is to not lead and the best way to succeed is to treat your constituency like a herd of cattle (btw, we had beef brisket for dinner).

Thank you for your membership in the UMCIAIO.

Dabir Dhakir Duqaq Ferraj Farooq Jabalah Jabbar

P.S. Like you, I was also bummed because of the absence of the Israeli ambassador:(.  But don’t worry, the Israeli embassy kindly sent over gift boxes with “their” falafel in it and a map of settlements in the works.  Additionally, they offered a 25% discount offer on settlement properties to MLI participants who fully embrace the Zionist cause.

P.P.S.  There were no protestors this year because those Muslim traitors who organized the one last year, finally recognized our fine achievements in the realm of Muslim American rights, by which I mean writing reports that no one will ever read because they a) suck; b) are irrelevant and untimely; and c) because they are the worst pieces of research this side of the Atlantic.

Muslim American Organization thanks Obama Administration for Co-Optation Efforts During #CVESummit


Dear Friends,
Last week, the Council on Muslim American Engagement With Tables (CMAET) was able to attend the #CVESummit that was called for and hosted by the Obama administration.  At the Summit, CMAET representatives sat next to government officials keen on labeling extremism as a Muslim problem.  At this point you might be thinking, wait isn’t that erroneous?  Well the answer, dear supporters, is no.  That’s why we need your support today-not to dispel the myth of Muslims as terrorists, but to dispel the myth that we don’t want to work to help the government target and surveil our communities.  We have worked too long and too hard to be treated like people that don’t matter on the outside of the White House.  We want to be treated as insignificant actors INSIDE the White House.

Afeef Afif Afzal, President of CMAET, stated that, “we could not be more thrilled about being co-opted into oppressing our own community.  Anyone who knows the history of minority relations in the US, knows that this is a positive step-after all, it means that we have enough power to warrant the government wanting to destroy our communities.  This positive achievement cannot be overstated and I hope you will recognize how hard we have worked to position ourselves as doing the work of government without being in the government or without being respected by the government.”

Farid Faris Furooq, Vice President of CMAET, added, “we were so touched by the President’s speech on the first official day of the summit.  That he thought to distance terrorism from Muslims, was heartwarming.  We would like to respond by telling our dear President that we are not at war with anti-terrorism measures that surveil, target, entrap, and detain our communities, we are at war with Muslim American orgs that try to oppose these measures and we won’t stop this war until, they, like us, understand the potential for career advancement when adopting this approach.”

CMAET attendees also expressed enthusiasm after receiving the following hand written letter on a crumpled up piece of paper below from an undisclosed government official:
Screen Shot 2015-02-25 at 10.19.26 AM

Council on Muslim American Engagement with Tables

Click on to make a donation.

University Chaplain Launches Muslim Settlement Initiative to Promote Something Worse Than the Muslim Leadership Iniaitive


In a move aimed at reminding people that things could be worse, Thannyros Tobba-Sharabil Tufayl, Chaplain at Islamophobia University USA announced the launch of a new campaign, the Muslim Settlement Initiative (MSI).  Tufayl, head of the campaign, stated that “the MSI was built on the success of the Muslim Leadership Initiative (MLI).  The MLI taught me that Muslims could be easily co-opted for other people’s ‘social justice causes,’ and so I would hate to see this momentum go to waste.  To that end, the MSI seeks to take the MLI one step further, by extending two week trips to lifetime occupation of Palestine.”

The campaign, which will launch on May 15th, 2015, will enable Muslims to purchase settlement homes at discounted rates. For those unable to pay the full amount for the cost of homes, scholarships will be available in exchange for promoting Muslim understandings of the Zionist narrative that members of the larger Muslim community have so clearly misunderstood.

Tufayl Thannyros Tobba-Sharabil, Assistant Chaplain at Islamophobia University USA, stated that “we couldn’t be more excited about the launch of the MSI.  We have even sent Muslim Americans to occupy indigenous reservations around the United States to prepare for their new lives.  There’s really nothing that can quite substitute for direct experience in oppressing others and we are confident that this training will help them succeed in perpetuating injustice while pretending to work for justice while defending injustice, while being perceived as just-something that really takes a lot of getting used to.”

In order to secure their permanent housing and retain their position as part of the “solution,” MSI participants will be required to undertake monthly assessments designed to measure sympathy towards the Zionist cause in addition to beating down Palestinians who show up to document abuses.

MSI Program Coordinator, Waheb Wabu Zeytun also expressed excitement about the program saying that, “since our MSI plans have launched, we have received hundreds of inquiries from ignorant Muslims who have all of a sudden awakened to their role in resolving the conflict in Israel-Palestine. What’s most striking, is that these individuals, who are negligible in really every sector of humanity and who have never even once been involved in this cause, have demonstrated their heart-warming commitment to fostering injustice.”

The first MSI cohort is to be composed of Muslim Americans whose occupations range from policy advocates to circus clowns. Collectively, this group will document their ongoing experiences in pursuing injustice at

American Muslim Coalition on Post-Mortem Free Speech Launches #NoOneIsListening Campaign



The American Muslim Coalition on Post-Mortem Free Speech is excited to launch its #NoOneIsListeningCampaign on Monday, January 19th, 2015.  The Campaign represents an attempt to promote free speech at all costs, including the entire depletion of the Coalition’s funds to prove what no one will ever accept.  The campaign is also aimed at demonstrating to the world, that the coalition will focus its attention on presenting the #CharlieHebdo attacks in the most basic way possible so that no one will even think about those barbaric MOZLIMS that keep dying in other countries.

The Coalition’s President, Arif Anwar Altair, stated that “we are staunch defenders of free speech and we will continue to defend our position on this, no matter how irrelevant it becomes in the larger conversation.  Further, as coalition president, I support all measures aimed at demonstrating our position as such, including encouraging angry and disgruntled Muslims, to spray paint, ‘I love pork,’ on the outside of our most prominent Mosques.”

Vice President of the Coalition, Altair Anwar Arif, expressed similar sentiments, stating that “we are encouraging members of the Coalition to appear on as many radio shows as possible and to show the world that like the mainstream media, we can reduce complex issues into convenient soundbytes that will successfully alleviate the world’s citizens from actually thinking. We like to think that this is an underutilized method of encouraging free speech and that with enough practice, no one will really say anything intelligent or radical anyway.”

The Coalition’s Chairman was unavailable for comment, having passed away recently in the backlash against Muslims.  Before he passed, however, he was quoted as saying that “this campaign represents a culmination of all of our efforts to combat and perpetuate Islamophobia at the same time-which is no small feat.  Perhaps most emblematic of this campaign and where we arrived at this name for our coalition, is that that we will support free speech to our death, literally.”  To honor the Chairman and his legacy, his family and the coalition insisted that his tombstone, in addition to stating his name and lifespan, include #JeSuisCharlie.