Muslim American Organization thanks Obama Administration for Co-Optation Efforts During #CVESummit

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Dear Friends,
Last week, the Council on Muslim American Engagement With Tables (CMAET) was able to attend the #CVESummit that was called for and hosted by the Obama administration.  At the Summit, CMAET representatives sat next to government officials keen on labeling extremism as a Muslim problem.  At this point you might be thinking, wait isn’t that erroneous?  Well the answer, dear supporters, is no.  That’s why we need your support today-not to dispel the myth of Muslims as terrorists, but to dispel the myth that we don’t want to work to help the government target and surveil our communities.  We have worked too long and too hard to be treated like people that don’t matter on the outside of the White House.  We want to be treated as insignificant actors INSIDE the White House.

Afeef Afif Afzal, President of CMAET, stated that, “we could not be more thrilled about being co-opted into oppressing our own community.  Anyone who knows the history of minority relations in the US, knows that this is a positive step-after all, it means that we have enough power to warrant the government wanting to destroy our communities.  This positive achievement cannot be overstated and I hope you will recognize how hard we have worked to position ourselves as doing the work of government without being in the government or without being respected by the government.”

Farid Faris Furooq, Vice President of CMAET, added, “we were so touched by the President’s speech on the first official day of the summit.  That he thought to distance terrorism from Muslims, was heartwarming.  We would like to respond by telling our dear President that we are not at war with anti-terrorism measures that surveil, target, entrap, and detain our communities, we are at war with Muslim American orgs that try to oppose these measures and we won’t stop this war until, they, like us, understand the potential for career advancement when adopting this approach.”

CMAET attendees also expressed enthusiasm after receiving the following hand written letter on a crumpled up piece of paper below from an undisclosed government official:
Screen Shot 2015-02-25 at 10.19.26 AM

Sincerely,
Council on Muslim American Engagement with Tables

Click on http://www.tablesforprogress.org to make a donation.

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University Chaplain Launches Muslim Settlement Initiative to Promote Something Worse Than the Muslim Leadership Iniaitive

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In a move aimed at reminding people that things could be worse, Thannyros Tobba-Sharabil Tufayl, Chaplain at Islamophobia University USA announced the launch of a new campaign, the Muslim Settlement Initiative (MSI).  Tufayl, head of the campaign, stated that “the MSI was built on the success of the Muslim Leadership Initiative (MLI).  The MLI taught me that Muslims could be easily co-opted for other people’s ‘social justice causes,’ and so I would hate to see this momentum go to waste.  To that end, the MSI seeks to take the MLI one step further, by extending two week trips to lifetime occupation of Palestine.”

The campaign, which will launch on May 15th, 2015, will enable Muslims to purchase settlement homes at discounted rates. For those unable to pay the full amount for the cost of homes, scholarships will be available in exchange for promoting Muslim understandings of the Zionist narrative that members of the larger Muslim community have so clearly misunderstood.

Tufayl Thannyros Tobba-Sharabil, Assistant Chaplain at Islamophobia University USA, stated that “we couldn’t be more excited about the launch of the MSI.  We have even sent Muslim Americans to occupy indigenous reservations around the United States to prepare for their new lives.  There’s really nothing that can quite substitute for direct experience in oppressing others and we are confident that this training will help them succeed in perpetuating injustice while pretending to work for justice while defending injustice, while being perceived as just-something that really takes a lot of getting used to.”

In order to secure their permanent housing and retain their position as part of the “solution,” MSI participants will be required to undertake monthly assessments designed to measure sympathy towards the Zionist cause in addition to beating down Palestinians who show up to document abuses.

MSI Program Coordinator, Waheb Wabu Zeytun also expressed excitement about the program saying that, “since our MSI plans have launched, we have received hundreds of inquiries from ignorant Muslims who have all of a sudden awakened to their role in resolving the conflict in Israel-Palestine. What’s most striking, is that these individuals, who are negligible in really every sector of humanity and who have never even once been involved in this cause, have demonstrated their heart-warming commitment to fostering injustice.”

The first MSI cohort is to be composed of Muslim Americans whose occupations range from policy advocates to circus clowns. Collectively, this group will document their ongoing experiences in pursuing injustice at
http://www.framing-injustice-as-justice-is-no-small-task.org

American Muslim Coalition on Post-Mortem Free Speech Launches #NoOneIsListening Campaign

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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

The American Muslim Coalition on Post-Mortem Free Speech is excited to launch its #NoOneIsListeningCampaign on Monday, January 19th, 2015.  The Campaign represents an attempt to promote free speech at all costs, including the entire depletion of the Coalition’s funds to prove what no one will ever accept.  The campaign is also aimed at demonstrating to the world, that the coalition will focus its attention on presenting the #CharlieHebdo attacks in the most basic way possible so that no one will even think about those barbaric MOZLIMS that keep dying in other countries.

The Coalition’s President, Arif Anwar Altair, stated that “we are staunch defenders of free speech and we will continue to defend our position on this, no matter how irrelevant it becomes in the larger conversation.  Further, as coalition president, I support all measures aimed at demonstrating our position as such, including encouraging angry and disgruntled Muslims, to spray paint, ‘I love pork,’ on the outside of our most prominent Mosques.”

Vice President of the Coalition, Altair Anwar Arif, expressed similar sentiments, stating that “we are encouraging members of the Coalition to appear on as many radio shows as possible and to show the world that like the mainstream media, we can reduce complex issues into convenient soundbytes that will successfully alleviate the world’s citizens from actually thinking. We like to think that this is an underutilized method of encouraging free speech and that with enough practice, no one will really say anything intelligent or radical anyway.”

The Coalition’s Chairman was unavailable for comment, having passed away recently in the backlash against Muslims.  Before he passed, however, he was quoted as saying that “this campaign represents a culmination of all of our efforts to combat and perpetuate Islamophobia at the same time-which is no small feat.  Perhaps most emblematic of this campaign and where we arrived at this name for our coalition, is that that we will support free speech to our death, literally.”  To honor the Chairman and his legacy, his family and the coalition insisted that his tombstone, in addition to stating his name and lifespan, include #JeSuisCharlie.

Muslim American Council for Participatory Oppression Launches BDS Campaign Against Palestine

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After from a trip to Israel sponsored by the Sharon-Netanyahu-Hartman Foundation, delegates from the Muslim American Council for Participatory Oppression (MACPO) decided to launch a BDS campaign against Palestine.  Full details of the campaign will be released in the coming months and reflects the participants’ desire to reframe the narrative that has disenfranchised Zionist voices in the Israeli-Palestinian debate.

The President of MACPO, Shalom Ahmed Mohammed, expressing great enthusiasm about the newly formed campaign, stated that, “after delegation participants returned from their Zionist funded trip to Israel, they could no longer ignore the oppression that Palestinians have inflicted on Israelis.  Furthermore, despite trying to reason with those pesky terrorists, and in some cases pushing them down stairs, Palestinians demonstrated a complete inability to comprehend how their terroristic behavior was negatively impacting the Israeli psyche, thus forcing them to do things like returning home 15 minutes earlier from the club than they might have otherwise done.  This wanton oppression of Israelis by Palestinians is unacceptable and as MACPO president, I’m committed to ensuring that Palestinians are put in their place once and for all.”

Participants leading the campaign, include many hailed human rights activists who seek to leverage their commitment to justice to the cause of injustice.  As one participant stated, “the only way we can really understand oppression, is to participate in the oppression of others.  I’m grateful to MACPO for opening my eyes to this fact and leading me to pursue a campaign that I might not have otherwise seen the value in.”

Another individual who visited Israel in the delegation and who is leading the campaign in their home state of Illinois stated that, “I’m very hopeful about the impact this project can have.  After all, it has already brought together leading Islamophobes, Zionists, and Muslim ‘human rights’ advocates.  I’m not aware of any other campaign that has successfully brought these individuals together to systematically engage in a comprehensive campaign of oppression.  As they say, none of us is as strong as all of us and I hope this partnership will set the stage for interfaith oppression campaigns-a rarely explored, yet potentially powerful strategy to create unity among those most skilled in making life miserable for people of the global majority.”

The campaign is set to launch in early April and though progress is expected to be slow, the group is hopeful about making life worse for Palestinians and categorically rejecting their claims for any justice measures.  Moreover, the group is expected to initiate a comprehensive strategy for engaging Muslim sell-outs, both domestically and internationally, a strategy that has thus far been entirely successful.

MACPO is also organizing other initiatives such as a government sponsored Muslim delegation to Guantanamo, which seeks among other things to cultivate activists eager to promote the prison as necessary for housing terrorists, otherwise known as Muslims.

A Seat at the Table Never Tasted so Good: An Open Letter

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Dear Beloved Muslim American Community,
We wanted to take a moment to highlight our position on getting seats at tables.  Before describing our position in words, we thought it best to illustrate with the picture below:

seat at the table

As the picture above demonstrates, many Muslim Americans are making great waves into the getting a seat at the table industry and what’s more, they are also getting fed some tasty bullshit.  We can’t ignore the impact this is having on the policies affecting our people the most, especially when it results in changes such as modifying the flavors of the tasty bullshit.

Now back to our position on seats at the table.  The Muslim American Coalition for Getting Seats at Any Tables (MACGSAT), strongly believes that to secure our seats, we must proactively work with law enforcement and other governmental agencies. While we recognize that some of you have been subject to profiling, police brutality, torture, indefinite detention, etc., we think this a small price to pay for getting that seat.

In sum, our policy is the following:  We will continue to work with law enforcement no matter what.  Like, for real, no matter what.  We need to equip the next generation of members of law enforcement with cultural sensitivity skills, so that anytime they enter a room to kill or torture someone, they take off their shoes first (its also helpful if they learn to communicate with future victims in their native tongue).  Note, that if you disagree with our position and try to criticize us, we will denounce you and your fitna causing ways.

Sincerely,
The Muslim American Coalition for Getting Seats at Any Tables (MACGSAT)

P.S. as this an end of the year email, we are offering a special gift to anyone who donates $50 or more to MACGSAT.  What we are offering is a portable chair with a small side table, which you can find here.   The chair will come in handy when an impromptu meeting with government officials arises and/or when you want to take a seat and watch police brutality and/or torture in action.  The side table is also useful for those times when you can’t find a table to sit at, and/or when you need a piece of furniture to compare the decor inside government buildings to.

 

 

Muslim American Organization Launches Perp of the Year Award in Support of Police Brutality, Profiling, and Torture

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The Muslim American Council for Incomprehensible Policy Decisions (MACIPD), is thrilled to announce the launch its new Perp of the Year Award.  Short for perpetrator, this award will honor individuals in the community who have worked hard to make life miserable for Muslims and other people of color.

MACIPD President Dhul Fiqar Misbah Thabit, stated, “the launch of this award could not come at a better time.  While other Muslims are constantly berating government officials for their ‘harsh,’ tactics, we wanted to take a step back and recognize their keen ability to identify the troublemakers in our community.  We recognize that this is not an easy job when you’re looking for a needle in a mosque, which is really composed of other equally dangerous needles.  We want to honor the individuals that make life for White Americans better.”

The nominees for this year’s Perp of the Year award included representatives from the CIA, DOJ, the NYPD, and the LAPD.

Speaking to the challenge of making the decision on who would receive the inaugural Perp of the Year award, Vice-President of MACIPD, Naji Najir Najjar, commented that, “this one of the most difficult decisions I’ve had to make in my career thus far.  I mean, there are so many ongoing human rights issues in the country, and we want to make sure that our award adds as much insult to injury as possible.  In light of current events, a police chief was our best option and demonstrates to the community, that well, we don’t really give a damn about their well-being.”

Other members of the award convening board were unavailable for comment as they were outside taping another instance of police brutality.  However, one board member, who preferred to remain anonymous made it clear that witnessing this abuse would not have an effect on the decision to give the award to the NYPD police chief.

In addition to winning this prestigious award, the awardee will be given $10,000 to donate to a legal fund for a fellow perpetrator. As this year’s awardee, the NYPD’s police chief stated, “we must stand in solidarity with our fellow perpetrators and we hope you will too. We thank the MACIPD for finally realizing our contributions to society and our genuine desire to make life worse for the global majority.  This means a lot to me and I am now confident in continuing this work because I have received the green light from MACIPD.”

After the award Ceremony, Thabit, president of MACIPD, was unavailable for comment as he was profiled and detained, for, well, being a Muslim.  Oh yeah, and for trying to sell a piece of gum on the street after robbing a lemonade stand.

New Job Service Helps Place Muslim Americans in Fields Where they have no Expertise

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A new job placement service was recently launched by the Muslim American Council for Irrelevant Expertise (MACIE).  The goal of the job service is to place Muslim Americans in fields where they have absolutely no expertise.

President of MACIE, Aladdin AbdulGhafer AbdulHaq AbuGhani Soltan, stated that, “For too long, Muslim Americans have been occupying positions in professions where they have no expertise without the tutelage that they need to fail while appearing to succeed.  Our new service will provide Muslim Americans with the services to not only enter professions in which they have no expertise, but to also excel in making the larger community believe they are qualified to perform their role.”

So far MACIE, has succeeded in placing the following individuals in positions where they have no expertise:
1) Fawwaz Amir Amjad, an engineer by training, has recently obtained a residency in the Pediatric department at the University of Abudeen.
2) Fadi Fakhir Fakih, an orthopedic surgeon, has recently been placed in an organization named the Making Things Worse for Muslim Americans Council, where he is the New National Security Policy Director.
3) Habib Habbab Haddad, a Biochemist by training and education, is currently the Legislative Analyst at the Muslim American Council for Low Quality Policy Analysis.

Amjad, one of the job services’ first clients, expressed gratitude to MACIE, saying that, “I’m so grateful for the services that MACIE provided.  Without their help, I might have actually had to get appropriate training for my current work as a medical doctor.  Now, I practice medicine freely at the University of Abudeen and to top everything off, MACIE has agreed to pay for my malpractice insurance.”

The job placement services that MACIE offers are free of charge and unlike other job placement services, the application/registration procedures invites applicants to consider what professions they would like to pursue rather than stating what fields of expertise they have backgrounds in.

In this vein, Ilyas Iyad Lablab, Vice President MACIE, stated that, “we want our prospective clients to realize that the sky is the limit.  And it truly is with our services when you don’t have to have the relevant expertise to pursue the job/field of your dreams.  Despite the fact that our services have led to a few casualties (I can’t discuss the details as we are currently under investigation), we are confident that we can continue to provide Muslim Americans with the services they need to excel in positions where they don’t know shit.  This will enable them to communicate more easily with the broader community of their Muslim American peer impostors.”

Those interested in obtaining MACIE’s job placement services should visit the website, http://www.yourbackgrounddoesntmatter.com.