Muslim American Organization Demands Clarity on Clear Statement

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The Muslim American Council on Clarifying Clear Statements (MACCCS) is demanding answers after presidential nominee Ted Jackovitch stated in his latest speech that he “hates Muslims and wants them to die.”  Referring to Jackovitch’s statement, ACCCS responded saying, “it is unclear what he meant by this statement.  Does he mean vitriol, contempt, despise, or abhor?  And does he mean death as in fatal?  These answers are critical in our understanding of his seemingly apparent dislike of our community.”

President of the MACCCS, AbdulMunir Ghafar Sultan Qaboos Muhsen Jaffar Fakhara Khara, who at the time of the Jackovitch’s speech was studying for his upcoming GRE exam, stated that, “it’s really hard to compile a catalogue of groups that loathe Muslims when they are so subtle about it.  I wish they could be more explicit about their hatred so we know where we stand.”

Jackovitch’s PR team, receiving a MACCCS press release in advance of the public release, responded stating that, Jackovitch has repeatedly clarified his hatred for Muslims.  According to his team, he stated that, “I want it to be clear that I hate Muslims.  Like I really hate them.  And now, because of their inability to understand my obvious hatred, I hate them even more.  What else can I do to show them how much I hate them?  Unfortunately, I think the only other way will be to commit nationwide hate crimes, which like everything else they don’t understand will also be misunderstood as something that happened because their mosque open house started late.  For the sake of clarity once more, let me say, I hate you all again and I hate you when I see you at the library, the grocery store, restaurants and/or any other place where it is clear that you are still alive and breathing.”

In response to Jackovitch’s statement, the MACCCS released an election guide titled, How to Know When a Prospective Presidential Candidate Hates Muslims: A Guide to Understanding Things That Shouldn’t Actually Need an Explanation.  The goal of the manual is to clarify the clarity of the clear statements that do not need clarification but still get clarified.  The guide can be downloaded at http://www.whydontyouunderstandshit.com

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President Obama Guarantees Muslim Americans Institutionalized Access to the White House Bathroom

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Dear Friend,
Earlier this week, the United Muslim Council on Institutionalized Access to Inanimate Objects (UMCIAIO) had the opportunity to meet with President Obama at the annual White House Iftar.  It was such an honor to have been invited to this wonderful event with one of the world’s leading war criminals!

In the President’s remarks, he reflected on Muslims’ contributions to the United States and the Global Community.  In this, he mentioned how grateful he was for our acceptance of the CVE paradigm that criminalizes our community; he said that he was inspired by how many leaders would throw their communities under the bus just to be sitting with him tonight.  He also thanked the Association of Muslim Lone Wolves (AMLW) for not pushing the narrative that Muslims acts of violence are discreet and disconnected from the larger group, too aggressively, so that his administration could get away with promoting a global Muslim conspiracy that aims to foster the inherent radical tendencies in the 1.2 billion population.

I personally thanked the President for coming out strong against the murders of three North Carolina students.  I told him our community was indebted to him for acknowledging our right to exist and live until the age of at least 20.  I also thanked him for implementing policies that don’t target Muslims individually, but that target them at large.  This I told him, sends the right message to society, that they should aim big and work to commit as many hate crimes as it takes for the whole community to be terrified.  After all, if that isn’t the collective power of public policy and hate crimes, then I don’t know what is!

Most importantly, me and my team had the distinguished honor of gaining access not only to the White House tables (which incidentally, happened to be those crappy kind from Costco), but also to the White House bathrooms.  Do you know how happy I felt as soon as my butt touched that marble seat?  No immediate words came to my mind, but the sounds that flooded the room (if you know what I mean), gave me an idea of just how excited I really was.  I should note how much of a special honor it was to see that the White House had generously placed a bidet in the toilet and even better, it was shaped to formulate the word Muslim.  I know you’re thinking that it probably took way more time for the water to come out this way, but it was totally worth it!  I mean seeing the word Muslim in the White House?  Now that’s priceless.  I would be remiss if I didn’t include a picture below.  The first one is the outside of the toilet (how beautiful) and the second is the toilet from the inside:

Toilet-gold-plated            Screen Shot 2015-06-25 at 11.46.59 AM

As if the exquisite dinner and bathroom wasn’t enough, we also received party favors including toy drones (to remind us that we could be next) and mini toilets (to remind us of how not to be next).   We also received a frame with the picture below:

Drone Biggest

Monday, June 22nd was another major win for the Muslim American community.  We have finally achieved what no other minority group in this country has sought to achieve:  Institutionalized access to the White House bathroom.  I know this will carry us far in our quest for equal access to these private spaces, where our shit meets the shit of the administration. This is a powerful union and one made out of the hard work of courageous Muslim leaders who have taught the community that the best way to lead is to not lead and the best way to succeed is to treat your constituency like a herd of cattle (btw, we had beef brisket for dinner).

Thank you for your membership in the UMCIAIO.

Sincerely,
Dabir Dhakir Duqaq Ferraj Farooq Jabalah Jabbar

P.S. Like you, I was also bummed because of the absence of the Israeli ambassador:(.  But don’t worry, the Israeli embassy kindly sent over gift boxes with “their” falafel in it and a map of settlements in the works.  Additionally, they offered a 25% discount offer on settlement properties to MLI participants who fully embrace the Zionist cause.

P.P.S.  There were no protestors this year because those Muslim traitors who organized the one last year, finally recognized our fine achievements in the realm of Muslim American rights, by which I mean writing reports that no one will ever read because they a) suck; b) are irrelevant and untimely; and c) because they are the worst pieces of research this side of the Atlantic.

Muslim American Organization thanks Obama Administration for Co-Optation Efforts During #CVESummit

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Dear Friends,
Last week, the Council on Muslim American Engagement With Tables (CMAET) was able to attend the #CVESummit that was called for and hosted by the Obama administration.  At the Summit, CMAET representatives sat next to government officials keen on labeling extremism as a Muslim problem.  At this point you might be thinking, wait isn’t that erroneous?  Well the answer, dear supporters, is no.  That’s why we need your support today-not to dispel the myth of Muslims as terrorists, but to dispel the myth that we don’t want to work to help the government target and surveil our communities.  We have worked too long and too hard to be treated like people that don’t matter on the outside of the White House.  We want to be treated as insignificant actors INSIDE the White House.

Afeef Afif Afzal, President of CMAET, stated that, “we could not be more thrilled about being co-opted into oppressing our own community.  Anyone who knows the history of minority relations in the US, knows that this is a positive step-after all, it means that we have enough power to warrant the government wanting to destroy our communities.  This positive achievement cannot be overstated and I hope you will recognize how hard we have worked to position ourselves as doing the work of government without being in the government or without being respected by the government.”

Farid Faris Furooq, Vice President of CMAET, added, “we were so touched by the President’s speech on the first official day of the summit.  That he thought to distance terrorism from Muslims, was heartwarming.  We would like to respond by telling our dear President that we are not at war with anti-terrorism measures that surveil, target, entrap, and detain our communities, we are at war with Muslim American orgs that try to oppose these measures and we won’t stop this war until, they, like us, understand the potential for career advancement when adopting this approach.”

CMAET attendees also expressed enthusiasm after receiving the following hand written letter on a crumpled up piece of paper below from an undisclosed government official:
Screen Shot 2015-02-25 at 10.19.26 AM

Sincerely,
Council on Muslim American Engagement with Tables

Click on http://www.tablesforprogress.org to make a donation.

University Chaplain Launches Muslim Settlement Initiative to Promote Something Worse Than the Muslim Leadership Iniaitive

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In a move aimed at reminding people that things could be worse, Thannyros Tobba-Sharabil Tufayl, Chaplain at Islamophobia University USA announced the launch of a new campaign, the Muslim Settlement Initiative (MSI).  Tufayl, head of the campaign, stated that “the MSI was built on the success of the Muslim Leadership Initiative (MLI).  The MLI taught me that Muslims could be easily co-opted for other people’s ‘social justice causes,’ and so I would hate to see this momentum go to waste.  To that end, the MSI seeks to take the MLI one step further, by extending two week trips to lifetime occupation of Palestine.”

The campaign, which will launch on May 15th, 2015, will enable Muslims to purchase settlement homes at discounted rates. For those unable to pay the full amount for the cost of homes, scholarships will be available in exchange for promoting Muslim understandings of the Zionist narrative that members of the larger Muslim community have so clearly misunderstood.

Tufayl Thannyros Tobba-Sharabil, Assistant Chaplain at Islamophobia University USA, stated that “we couldn’t be more excited about the launch of the MSI.  We have even sent Muslim Americans to occupy indigenous reservations around the United States to prepare for their new lives.  There’s really nothing that can quite substitute for direct experience in oppressing others and we are confident that this training will help them succeed in perpetuating injustice while pretending to work for justice while defending injustice, while being perceived as just-something that really takes a lot of getting used to.”

In order to secure their permanent housing and retain their position as part of the “solution,” MSI participants will be required to undertake monthly assessments designed to measure sympathy towards the Zionist cause in addition to beating down Palestinians who show up to document abuses.

MSI Program Coordinator, Waheb Wabu Zeytun also expressed excitement about the program saying that, “since our MSI plans have launched, we have received hundreds of inquiries from ignorant Muslims who have all of a sudden awakened to their role in resolving the conflict in Israel-Palestine. What’s most striking, is that these individuals, who are negligible in really every sector of humanity and who have never even once been involved in this cause, have demonstrated their heart-warming commitment to fostering injustice.”

The first MSI cohort is to be composed of Muslim Americans whose occupations range from policy advocates to circus clowns. Collectively, this group will document their ongoing experiences in pursuing injustice at
http://www.framing-injustice-as-justice-is-no-small-task.org

American Muslim Coalition on Post-Mortem Free Speech Launches #NoOneIsListening Campaign

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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

The American Muslim Coalition on Post-Mortem Free Speech is excited to launch its #NoOneIsListeningCampaign on Monday, January 19th, 2015.  The Campaign represents an attempt to promote free speech at all costs, including the entire depletion of the Coalition’s funds to prove what no one will ever accept.  The campaign is also aimed at demonstrating to the world, that the coalition will focus its attention on presenting the #CharlieHebdo attacks in the most basic way possible so that no one will even think about those barbaric MOZLIMS that keep dying in other countries.

The Coalition’s President, Arif Anwar Altair, stated that “we are staunch defenders of free speech and we will continue to defend our position on this, no matter how irrelevant it becomes in the larger conversation.  Further, as coalition president, I support all measures aimed at demonstrating our position as such, including encouraging angry and disgruntled Muslims, to spray paint, ‘I love pork,’ on the outside of our most prominent Mosques.”

Vice President of the Coalition, Altair Anwar Arif, expressed similar sentiments, stating that “we are encouraging members of the Coalition to appear on as many radio shows as possible and to show the world that like the mainstream media, we can reduce complex issues into convenient soundbytes that will successfully alleviate the world’s citizens from actually thinking. We like to think that this is an underutilized method of encouraging free speech and that with enough practice, no one will really say anything intelligent or radical anyway.”

The Coalition’s Chairman was unavailable for comment, having passed away recently in the backlash against Muslims.  Before he passed, however, he was quoted as saying that “this campaign represents a culmination of all of our efforts to combat and perpetuate Islamophobia at the same time-which is no small feat.  Perhaps most emblematic of this campaign and where we arrived at this name for our coalition, is that that we will support free speech to our death, literally.”  To honor the Chairman and his legacy, his family and the coalition insisted that his tombstone, in addition to stating his name and lifespan, include #JeSuisCharlie.

Muslim American Council for Participatory Oppression Launches BDS Campaign Against Palestine

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After from a trip to Israel sponsored by the Sharon-Netanyahu-Hartman Foundation, delegates from the Muslim American Council for Participatory Oppression (MACPO) decided to launch a BDS campaign against Palestine.  Full details of the campaign will be released in the coming months and reflects the participants’ desire to reframe the narrative that has disenfranchised Zionist voices in the Israeli-Palestinian debate.

The President of MACPO, Shalom Ahmed Mohammed, expressing great enthusiasm about the newly formed campaign, stated that, “after delegation participants returned from their Zionist funded trip to Israel, they could no longer ignore the oppression that Palestinians have inflicted on Israelis.  Furthermore, despite trying to reason with those pesky terrorists, and in some cases pushing them down stairs, Palestinians demonstrated a complete inability to comprehend how their terroristic behavior was negatively impacting the Israeli psyche, thus forcing them to do things like returning home 15 minutes earlier from the club than they might have otherwise done.  This wanton oppression of Israelis by Palestinians is unacceptable and as MACPO president, I’m committed to ensuring that Palestinians are put in their place once and for all.”

Participants leading the campaign, include many hailed human rights activists who seek to leverage their commitment to justice to the cause of injustice.  As one participant stated, “the only way we can really understand oppression, is to participate in the oppression of others.  I’m grateful to MACPO for opening my eyes to this fact and leading me to pursue a campaign that I might not have otherwise seen the value in.”

Another individual who visited Israel in the delegation and who is leading the campaign in their home state of Illinois stated that, “I’m very hopeful about the impact this project can have.  After all, it has already brought together leading Islamophobes, Zionists, and Muslim ‘human rights’ advocates.  I’m not aware of any other campaign that has successfully brought these individuals together to systematically engage in a comprehensive campaign of oppression.  As they say, none of us is as strong as all of us and I hope this partnership will set the stage for interfaith oppression campaigns-a rarely explored, yet potentially powerful strategy to create unity among those most skilled in making life miserable for people of the global majority.”

The campaign is set to launch in early April and though progress is expected to be slow, the group is hopeful about making life worse for Palestinians and categorically rejecting their claims for any justice measures.  Moreover, the group is expected to initiate a comprehensive strategy for engaging Muslim sell-outs, both domestically and internationally, a strategy that has thus far been entirely successful.

MACPO is also organizing other initiatives such as a government sponsored Muslim delegation to Guantanamo, which seeks among other things to cultivate activists eager to promote the prison as necessary for housing terrorists, otherwise known as Muslims.

A Seat at the Table Never Tasted so Good: An Open Letter

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Dear Beloved Muslim American Community,
We wanted to take a moment to highlight our position on getting seats at tables.  Before describing our position in words, we thought it best to illustrate with the picture below:

seat at the table

As the picture above demonstrates, many Muslim Americans are making great waves into the getting a seat at the table industry and what’s more, they are also getting fed some tasty bullshit.  We can’t ignore the impact this is having on the policies affecting our people the most, especially when it results in changes such as modifying the flavors of the tasty bullshit.

Now back to our position on seats at the table.  The Muslim American Coalition for Getting Seats at Any Tables (MACGSAT), strongly believes that to secure our seats, we must proactively work with law enforcement and other governmental agencies. While we recognize that some of you have been subject to profiling, police brutality, torture, indefinite detention, etc., we think this a small price to pay for getting that seat.

In sum, our policy is the following:  We will continue to work with law enforcement no matter what.  Like, for real, no matter what.  We need to equip the next generation of members of law enforcement with cultural sensitivity skills, so that anytime they enter a room to kill or torture someone, they take off their shoes first (its also helpful if they learn to communicate with future victims in their native tongue).  Note, that if you disagree with our position and try to criticize us, we will denounce you and your fitna causing ways.

Sincerely,
The Muslim American Coalition for Getting Seats at Any Tables (MACGSAT)

P.S. as this an end of the year email, we are offering a special gift to anyone who donates $50 or more to MACGSAT.  What we are offering is a portable chair with a small side table, which you can find here.   The chair will come in handy when an impromptu meeting with government officials arises and/or when you want to take a seat and watch police brutality and/or torture in action.  The side table is also useful for those times when you can’t find a table to sit at, and/or when you need a piece of furniture to compare the decor inside government buildings to.